Celebrate Canadian-American Heritage month

Here is my latest submission to the student newspaper, which will run as a guest column next week:

Remember to celebrate Canadian-American Heritage Month

There is a shadow rising in the Northeast.

Like a dark cloud it looms on the horizon, threatening to engulf our fair campus and blot out every shred of decency and humanity here at the college.

It is the spectre of Anti-Canadian intolerance.

As a Canadian immigrant, I have watched this growing trend with concern. It began with Professor Pamela Everett’s vitriolic Wayne Stater article, which expressed her irrational prejudice against the great sport of hockey. As part of her nonsensical ramblings, Everret claimed that Canadians have lower IQ’s due to under-age consumption of Moosehead Beer. How absurd.

(Mmmmm….Moosehead).

More recently, protests over the proposed TransCanada pipeline have negatively affected local perceptions of Canadian-Americans.

For those of you unfamiliar with the issue, it’s really a simple misunderstanding. Canada is a nation with a small population and large oil reserves. We simply wanted to construct a pipeline that would allow us to share this abundance of natural resources with our American friends, thereby reducing your country’s dependence on foreign oil.

In return for this humanitarian gesture we’ve been labeled heartless corporate titans intent on destroying the environment.

Has the world gone mad?

The Anti-Canadian trend is a disturbing one, but together we can work to eliminate these hurtful stereotypes. Education is the Key.

It begins with a campus-wide effort to recognize October as Canadian-American heritage month.

You say you’ve never heard of Canadian-American heritage month? I’m not surprised. It was inaugurated in 1975 by President Ford, who apparently thought his home-state of Michigan was part of Canada.

Since then it has gone largely un-recognized, like the achievements of Canadian immigrants themselves. Canadian-Americans are all around you – we star in your movies, import your cheap pharmaceuticals, and pass the ball to your power-forwards.

The fact that we go un-noticed is largely due to our unique ability to integrate ourselves into your culture. It’s not as easy as it looks. Every Canadian that comes to this country has to learn to spell words like ‘colour’ withou a ‘u’, watch NASCAR, and figure out why Ryan Seacrest is famous.

As our two peoples have lived side-by-side, our histories have become inter-twined. It is a rich tapestry of international cooperation. Here are a few highlights of from the historical timeline of Canadian-American relations.

1755: The government of Lower Canada punishes disloyal Acadians by exiling them to Louisiana.

1776: The first United Empire Loyalists depart for Canada after Jefferson declares the birth of a new society, founded on the ideals of, “life, liberty, and watered-down beer.”

1812: Canadian troops invade Washington D.C. and capture the White House. James Madison makes a daring escape attempt, but is intercepted by Rear Admiral George Cockburn, who bodychecks the President into Dolly Madison’s favorite china hutch.

1876: Alexander Graham Bell, a Canadian inventor based in Boston, patents an early version of the telephone. The next day, he and his assistant Thomas Watson also call in the first fake traffic report to a local radio station.

1891: Canadian-American teacher James Naismith invents the game of basketball at Springfield College in Massachusetts. The sport was an instant hit with American children who lacked the dexterity necessary to play hockey.

1961: After losing a bet to Canadian Prime Minister John Diefenbaker, President Kennedy signs an executive order requiring all Americans to refer to ham as, “Canadian Bacon.”

2015: In recognition of the outstanding contributions of a fine Canadian-American, President Curt Frye re-names his fine institution, “Wayne Gretzky State College.”