Girls only like Guys who have Great Skills

When I was a kid, my dad could always fix anything. He did a lot of the contract work on our first house in Coaldale. He repaired my Merlin electronics game after I poured water in the speaker (just to see what would happen). He even replaced the engine in his old truck using an old swingset in our backyard as a hoist.

In Wisconsin, my friend Jazzhands practically re-modelled their house in his spare time. Over several Saturdays he built an entire fence around his yard, including the cement post foundations. His wife would pick things out of the Pottery Barn catalog and he'd build a perfect imitation in their garage. (Then he'd strap on his sparkly suspenders and celebrate freedom as a Showchoir yankee-doodle-dandy.)

I can't do any of those things. I own no tools. I have none skills. I lack patience. Whenever I begin fixing things, it generally ends with a special procedure I call, 'smashy-smashy.' I tried to put together a pinewood derby car for Jake one year. During the third race a back wheel fell off and it careened into the next lane where it collided with the opposing car and caught fire. Another happy childhood memory for Jakey.

So it should be not surprise that when our toilet started running last month I had no idea what to do. I had tried nothing and was completely out of ideas. For several weeks we had to sleep with the bathroom door closed, so the noise of water leaking from the tank into the bowl didn't keep us awake at night. I started inviting relatives to visit in the hopes they might fix it for us.

Finally, I accepted the fact that I would have to deal with this myself. After all, I will soon have PhD - surely I'm smart enough to be able to fix the toilet. After checking the internet, I identified the problem as a faulty 'flapper'. (Apparently, flappers aren't just twenties-era, free spirited women who drink martinis while dancing the Charleston at Jay Gatsby's house.)

The website presented a 'simple' step by step process for replacing the valve:

1) Drain the toilet tank
2) remove the flapper
3) purchase replacement
4) install
5) re-fill tank

Simple? Sure, why don't I just design and build a new space shuttle while I'm at it?

Draining the tank and removing the valve went just fine. Then came the most difficult step of all - going to Home Depot. I don't think I've ever been to a home improvement store by myself, I've only accompanied other guys who actually do this sort of thing and know what to buy. I had a particularly memorable trip with the Rock Star once (People thought we were a gay couple because he picked out all these foamy paintbrushes).

A well-installed flapper is a joy forever.

Thankfully Kaddi was along and steered me toward the pumbing section, then picked out a flapper that resembled ours. As we headed towards the checkout counter I consulted an employee to make sure I had selected the right model. "Oh yeah," he said, "you get that thing home and you'll be in plumber's paradise."

And he was right. Once I installed the valve and reconnected the chain - I was in paradise. It was the first home improvement I'd ever completed. There must be a badge I can get for this. Maybe I'll start working on my Chief Scout award again.

Everything went smoothly. Until I got to the last step...