Legroom

I just attended a conference in Hawaii, which involved a grueling five and a half hour flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu. Every time I get on an airplane I run into the same issue. My legs are so long that I constantly have to adjust my posture in order to make them fit in between my seat and the seat in front of me.

On every flight the person seated in front of me attempts to recline, only to find that this is impossible because it would involve their seat occupying the same space as my kneecaps. They try to lean back a few times, check the reclining mechanism of their chair, and try two or three more times. Every time, the passenger eventually acknowledges the laws of space and time, and then gives up.

Until this latest trip.

On the LA-Honolulu flight I ran into the most determined individual yet. This passenger, we'll call him Golf-hat guy, since all I could see of him was his golf hat, decided to recline his seat. He tried, and tried, and tried, and - bless his little heart - he kept trying. I kept my knees firmly planted in the back of his seat and waited for him to experience enlightenment.

But he didn't.

Instead, he turns his body half-way round and says to me, "You need to get your legs out of the way so I can recline my seat."

After recovering from my initial surprise (this had never happened before) I felt a slight thrill. This wasn't a threat - it was an invitation.

Golf hat guy was taking it up a notch. He was saying, "I'm going to get what I want by being a jerk. I use this strategy all the time, because I don't have any social skills and so people give into my demands so they don't have to deal with me. That's how I go through life - I out-jerk people."

And while he was thinking that, I was thinking, "You think you can out-jerk me? Nobody can out-jerk me. I was elected as mayor of Jerk-town, but got recalled because the electorate realized I was a jerk."

You see, I spend most of my life fighting my natural tendency to be a jerk, suppressing it into a tiny ball of rage, which I carry around until I encounter someone like golf-hat guy. Then I release it.

So we had the following exchange:

Golf-hat guy: You need to move so I can recline my seat.

ME: Sure, just give me a minute and I'll detach my legs and store them in the overhead compartment.

Golf-hat guy: Well, I paid for my seat too and it's going to recline.

ME: We'll see.

Golf-hat guy: Yeah we will, because I'm going to call a stewardess and see what she has to say about this.

Then there was an awkward silence of a few minutes. I use this time to extend my legs so that now, not only can GHG not recline, but his seat has actually begun to lean forward a little. His threat of calling a stewardess continued to hang in the air, where it echoed like a threat to call a teacher, or the principal, or his mom. Perhaps it was this embarrassing realization that prompted the following attempt at reconciliation:

Golf-hat guy: You know, I'm not trying to be an a**hole here.

ME: I know. You probably don't need to try.

Golf-hat guy: This is a long flight and I paid for this seat and I want to be comfortable so I can go to sleep.

ME: Well then why don't I just punch you in the back of the head and then you'll be unconscious. I'll even wake you up when we land.

Okay, I didn't actually say that last part. I'm not the kind of jerk that threatens violence. Instead, I said:

ME: You think you're the only one who's uncomfortable? This is an economy flight - we're all miserable here. Deal with it.

But of course, he couldn't. Because jerks think they're special and want everyone to accommodate them all the time. He was upset, and so he was going to upset everyone in his vicinity until he got what he wanted.

So he complained to a stewardess. And he got upset when she told him she wasn't going to force me to move my legs. And he kept arguing until finally a woman in his aisle got so tired of his whining that she agreed to switch places with him so he would be quiet.

And when she sat down in front of me, I moved my feet under the chair so she could recline.