Do you know any Mormons? (Part III of III)

Gradually, over the course of the week, I became aware that Manhattan had very strong opinions on nutrition.

This became apparent due to the massive amounts of food available to readers each day. The company’s strategy for keeping readers awake and alert was to ply us with large amounts of sugar and caffeine. Each day at the center of the table there were bowls of treats – licorice, pretzels, hard candy, fun-size chocolate bars, and assorted nuts.

During the fifteen-minute morning and afternoon breaks, we would march down to a food court area and select from a variety of treats: muffins, donuts, granola bars, fruits, even hard-boiled eggs. There were also large coolers of fruit drinks, bottled waters, and pop to choose from. Quite often we’d grab something extra at break and take it with us back to the table.

One day as I returned from break and set my pop down on the table, I noticed Manhattan staring at the drink with disgust. Naturally, I pressed the issue:

ME: Would you like one?

MANHATTAN: No way – why do you put that poison in your body?

ME: Because I like to party.

MANHATTAN: Do you know how much corn syrup is in that soda? I never drink or eat anything with corn syrup in it.

ME: I don’t think your body can tell the difference between corn syrup and cane sugar.

MANHATTAN: There’s a big difference. Corn syrup tricks your body into wanting more and more of it. It’s more difficult for the body to digest, so it just becomes fat. And it’s in everything, most chocolate is made with it, it’s in most candy, and pastries. If you start reading labels you’ll be shocked – it’s used as a sweetener in almost everything.

ME: As a person from Nebraska, I find your anti-corn rhetoric very offensive. You’re creating a hostile work environment that’s affecting my ability to grade effectively.

MANHATTAN: It’s not a joke. And don’t get me started on ethanol subsidies. We’re all forced to buy ethanol, which is bad for the environment and bad for our vehicles, just so farmers have an excuse to grow more corn. I thought this was America.

ME: (confused now that this Eastern Liberal sounds like a member of a Montana militia.) Uh…

At this point we both realized that the break had been over several minutes and everyone else was grading and waiting for us to be quiet. This would happen several times over the course of the week. Most of the graders there were high school teachers who took pride in finishing a set quota of exams every hour. Me? Not so much. Put me next to an extremely chatty person like Manhattan, and production suffers.

Once, as I was trapped into listening to Manhattan’s ideas on fitness, the guy next to me (a former marine from Florida) whisper-yelled at both of us, “Why don’t you two talk outside?! The rest of us don’t care if you’re here or not!”

A few minutes later he left the room. When he came back he apologized for talking to us like children. Manhattan was fine, but I couldn't stop crying.

At the end of the afternoon break someone from another table brought by a huge container of Red Vine licorice and invited each of us to take a few pieces. I took my share, but Manhattan declined.

ME: Let me guess, corn syrup?

MANHATTAN: Did you know that human beings now eat so much corn, scientists are starting to find traces of corn in our DNA?

ME: That’s bad. I don’t even like finding traces of corn in my kid’s diapers.

MANHATTAN: If this pattern continues, in a few thousand generations we will have turned ourselves into corn.

ME: Those are some convincing arguments.

MANHATTAN: I know I’m going on and on about this…but I try to convert people whenever I have the chance.

ME: (seeing an opening) Convert – that’s an interesting choice of words.

MANHATTAN: Not in a religious sense. I just think everyone would be a lot better off if they lived life the way I do.

(long awkward pause)

ME: I guess we’ve found your belief system.

MANHATTAN: It’s not a belief system, it’s just exercise and nutrition. It makes me feel better.

ME: Would you say that it gives you a sense of fulfillment?

MANHATTAN: It’s different.

ME: No, it’s exactly the same. Your nutritional requirements provide you with a basic code of behavior. It creates a sense of community by separating believers from non-believers. You take the gym as your place of worship, where you follow the teachings of your personal trainer-prophet to keep you on the path to salvation.(grabbing a piece of licorice)….

MANHATTAN: You’re really going to eat that?

ME: Why? Is it a sin according to your belief system? (shoving five pieces of licorice in my mouth) Am I sinning right now? Are you trying to save me?

MANHATTAN: No, it’s not like that.

ME: It’s okay. Just admit that rational intelligent people can have a belief system like the rest of us. You’re a fitness fundamentalist. You’re a fit-mentalist!

MANHATTAN: I am not a fit-mentalist.

ME: (feeling really smart) Not that it matters to me. Mormons are generally very accepting of other’s beliefs – just remember you can’t force the rest of us to believe in your god. Everyone has to choose their own path to salvation.

MANHATTAN: You’re Mormon? No….you’re not.

ME: Oh yeah. I even served a mission.

MANHATTAN: Why didn’t you say anything earlier?

ME: Well, once I realized you were an Eastern Liberal elitist, I didn’t know how you’d react. I was expecting a little blowback from the Prop 8 episode.

MANHATTAN: I’m actually more of a conservative.

ME: No…you’re not.

MANHATTAN: Oh yeah. I’m a die-hard capitalist. I voted for McCain in 2008.

ME: (Suddenly feeling less smart) I see.

Thankfully, Manhattan took it all pretty well. In our few remaining conversations, I tried to point out that the Mormon community did have some variation within it, even if most of us do look like IBM corporate clones. I also mentioned how the Church had changed since its founding – abolishing polygamy and reversing racist policies – and that it would continue to adapt in the future.

Since leaving the conference, I doubt that Manhattan has given much serious thought to either Mormons or Fit-mentalism, but who knows?

I, on the other hand, find myself constantly checking the ingredients of various food items, looking for high-fructose corn syrup.

It’s in everything.