Do you know any Mormons? (Part III of III)

Gradually, over the course of the week, I became aware that Manhattan had very strong opinions on nutrition.

This became apparent due to the massive amounts of food available to readers each day. The company’s strategy for keeping readers awake and alert was to ply us with large amounts of sugar and caffeine. Each day at the center of the table there were bowls of treats – licorice, pretzels, hard candy, fun-size chocolate bars, and assorted nuts.

During the fifteen-minute morning and afternoon breaks, we would march down to a food court area and select from a variety of treats: muffins, donuts, granola bars, fruits, even hard-boiled eggs. There were also large coolers of fruit drinks, bottled waters, and pop to choose from. Quite often we’d grab something extra at break and take it with us back to the table.

One day as I returned from break and set my pop down on the table, I noticed Manhattan staring at the drink with disgust. Naturally, I pressed the issue:

ME: Would you like one?

MANHATTAN: No way – why do you put that poison in your body?

ME: Because I like to party.

MANHATTAN: Do you know how much corn syrup is in that soda? I never drink or eat anything with corn syrup in it.

ME: I don’t think your body can tell the difference between corn syrup and cane sugar.

MANHATTAN: There’s a big difference. Corn syrup tricks your body into wanting more and more of it. It’s more difficult for the body to digest, so it just becomes fat. And it’s in everything, most chocolate is made with it, it’s in most candy, and pastries. If you start reading labels you’ll be shocked – it’s used as a sweetener in almost everything.

ME: As a person from Nebraska, I find your anti-corn rhetoric very offensive. You’re creating a hostile work environment that’s affecting my ability to grade effectively.

MANHATTAN: It’s not a joke. And don’t get me started on ethanol subsidies. We’re all forced to buy ethanol, which is bad for the environment and bad for our vehicles, just so farmers have an excuse to grow more corn. I thought this was America.

ME: (confused now that this Eastern Liberal sounds like a member of a Montana militia.) Uh…

At this point we both realized that the break had been over several minutes and everyone else was grading and waiting for us to be quiet. This would happen several times over the course of the week. Most of the graders there were high school teachers who took pride in finishing a set quota of exams every hour. Me? Not so much. Put me next to an extremely chatty person like Manhattan, and production suffers.

Once, as I was trapped into listening to Manhattan’s ideas on fitness, the guy next to me (a former marine from Florida) whisper-yelled at both of us, “Why don’t you two talk outside?! The rest of us don’t care if you’re here or not!”

A few minutes later he left the room. When he came back he apologized for talking to us like children. Manhattan was fine, but I couldn't stop crying.

At the end of the afternoon break someone from another table brought by a huge container of Red Vine licorice and invited each of us to take a few pieces. I took my share, but Manhattan declined.

ME: Let me guess, corn syrup?

MANHATTAN: Did you know that human beings now eat so much corn, scientists are starting to find traces of corn in our DNA?

ME: That’s bad. I don’t even like finding traces of corn in my kid’s diapers.

MANHATTAN: If this pattern continues, in a few thousand generations we will have turned ourselves into corn.

ME: Those are some convincing arguments.

MANHATTAN: I know I’m going on and on about this…but I try to convert people whenever I have the chance.

ME: (seeing an opening) Convert – that’s an interesting choice of words.

MANHATTAN: Not in a religious sense. I just think everyone would be a lot better off if they lived life the way I do.

(long awkward pause)

ME: I guess we’ve found your belief system.

MANHATTAN: It’s not a belief system, it’s just exercise and nutrition. It makes me feel better.

ME: Would you say that it gives you a sense of fulfillment?

MANHATTAN: It’s different.

ME: No, it’s exactly the same. Your nutritional requirements provide you with a basic code of behavior. It creates a sense of community by separating believers from non-believers. You take the gym as your place of worship, where you follow the teachings of your personal trainer-prophet to keep you on the path to salvation.(grabbing a piece of licorice)….

MANHATTAN: You’re really going to eat that?

ME: Why? Is it a sin according to your belief system? (shoving five pieces of licorice in my mouth) Am I sinning right now? Are you trying to save me?

MANHATTAN: No, it’s not like that.

ME: It’s okay. Just admit that rational intelligent people can have a belief system like the rest of us. You’re a fitness fundamentalist. You’re a fit-mentalist!

MANHATTAN: I am not a fit-mentalist.

ME: (feeling really smart) Not that it matters to me. Mormons are generally very accepting of other’s beliefs – just remember you can’t force the rest of us to believe in your god. Everyone has to choose their own path to salvation.

MANHATTAN: You’re Mormon? No….you’re not.

ME: Oh yeah. I even served a mission.

MANHATTAN: Why didn’t you say anything earlier?

ME: Well, once I realized you were an Eastern Liberal elitist, I didn’t know how you’d react. I was expecting a little blowback from the Prop 8 episode.

MANHATTAN: I’m actually more of a conservative.

ME: No…you’re not.

MANHATTAN: Oh yeah. I’m a die-hard capitalist. I voted for McCain in 2008.

ME: (Suddenly feeling less smart) I see.

Thankfully, Manhattan took it all pretty well. In our few remaining conversations, I tried to point out that the Mormon community did have some variation within it, even if most of us do look like IBM corporate clones. I also mentioned how the Church had changed since its founding – abolishing polygamy and reversing racist policies – and that it would continue to adapt in the future.

Since leaving the conference, I doubt that Manhattan has given much serious thought to either Mormons or Fit-mentalism, but who knows?

I, on the other hand, find myself constantly checking the ingredients of various food items, looking for high-fructose corn syrup.

It’s in everything.

Do you know any Mormons? (Part II of III)

For two days I thought about how to re-visit the topic of religion, in part because I wanted to know if Manhattan had any real experiences with the Church, but mainly because I wanted to see if I could get her to spout more Anti-Mormon rhetoric.

Finally, an opportunity presented itself when there was a temporary breakdown in the supply chain that delivered boxes of exam booklets to each of the tables. We found ourselves sitting around with nothing to do for several minutes. While I was elated to have a break from deciphering the handwriting of fifteen year-olds, Manhattan seemed quite annoyed at the interruption.

MANHATTAN: I can’t believe we’re out of booklets. What’s going on back there?

ME: I don’t know, but I’ll bet the Mormons are behind it.

MANHATTAN: (rolling her eyes) I’m not prejudiced against Mormons. I think all religions are weird.

ME: So you’re not a religious person at all.

MANHATTAN: No, I don’t need some fake prophet to teach me the fictitious words of a god that doesn’t exist. Most of the world’s problems trace back to some form of religious belief.

ME: But doesn’t history also show that man is an inherently spiritual being? Humans have always sought out religion because it helps define us, give us purpose. We crave understanding about our place in the universe and our relationship with an Almighty. That need is as basic as food and shelter, and religion helps fulfill it.

MANHATTAN: I don’t agree. Rational thinking human beings should make decisions based on empirical evidence. I’m not going to organize my life around the precepts of an imaginary god. I’m only interested in things I can see, ideas that can be proven. The rest is all myth.

ME: Okay, so religion isn’t for you. But everyone needs a type of belief system that they use to make value judgments or set goals or measure success. So what have you developed to replace religion in that role?

MANHATTAN: I don’t have a belief system because I don’t need one. Like I said, any intelligent person should be able to make their own decisions without having to constantly wear some ideological strait-jacket.

It was all very disappointing. I had engaged the topic hoping for a diatribe against polygamy, discrimination against blacks, or perhaps even a fiery polemic on prop 8.

Instead, I had to endure a lecture on the Secular vs. Religious binary that you can get from NPR. Secularists are enlightened, intelligent, modern, tolerant, rational, and most of all – independent thinkers. Religious adherents (especially Christians) are backward, traditional, bigoted, emotional, irrational, and dependent on some form of televangelist (or conservative radio personality) to tell them what to think.

It was even more irritating coming from Manhattan, a proto-typical member of the Eastern liberal elite. After all, these are the people who constantly lecture the rest of us about every form of profiling and discrimination – against ethnic minorities, women, and especially the LGBT community.

Yet, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with dismissing anyone with strong religious beliefs as ‘stupid,’ or ‘weird,’ things you would never say about other groups.

(I should mention that I later learned Manhattan was not, in fact, a member of the Easter Liberal Elite that Glenn Beck has warned me about. Actually, she was an uber-capitalist, an Ayn Rand disciple who voted for McCain in 2008. Shame on me for stereotyping.)

But as I soon realized, Manhattan did have a belief system. It was far more rigid and confining than my own. And exposing it would be much more enjoyable than simply revealing to her that she had been making fun of Mormons while talking to one.

Do you know any Mormons? (Part I of III)

Two weeks ago I went the AP world history conference in Colorado. This involved spending a week grading essays written by high school students hoping to accumulate college credit by passing the Advanced Placement exam.

For seven straight days I sat in a conference room with several hundred people, at a table with seven other graders, and read through essays about the Green Revolution for eight hours each day. In order to familiarize graders with the rubric and establish a universal benchmark, the testing company organizes you into partners. You each read the same essay, grade it, then discuss any variation in an effort to properly understand the test criteria.

Since you know you’re going to be spending the next seven days sitting next to this person, there’s a very good incentive to be civil and establish a working relationship. I tried my best to prevent myself from going into jerk mode, which is in fact my default setting.

My partner was a high school teacher from New York. Although she now lives somewhere in the suburbs, she was eager to associate herself with Manhattan by pointing out that she had been a student at NYU. Without any prompting from me, she unabashedly declared that she lived in the financial, intellectual, and cultural center of the universe, just as you would expect from any good New Yorker.

Fortunately, she also had sense of humor about herself and didn’t take offense at my initial sarcastic quips, or when I would refer to her as, ‘Manhattan.’ My experience with people from the Northeast suggested they are a little more verbose, but still I was a little shocked when she turned to me on the second day and asked,

“Do you know any Mormons?”

At first it seemed like too much of a coincidence. How often will someone that you just met ask you this type of question? On the other hand, it seemed unlikely that she could have figured me out so quickly. As I was hesitating on how best to answer, Manhattan hit me again:

MANHATTAN: I just read that Mitt Romney announced his candidacy for President, which started me thinking about Mormons. So, do you know any or not?

ME: Well, there aren’t very many where I live now. But yeah, I know a few.

MANHATTAN: They’re just so weird! Don’t you think they’re weird?

ME: No, they don’t seem that weird to me. How are they weird?

MANHATTAN: The whole ‘magic underwear’ thing. That’s not weird to you?

ME: (effectively suppressing a laugh) I don’t think that’s true. They don’t really think their underwear is magic.

MANHATTAN: Oh, yes they do! We have a Mormon teacher at our high school. She explained to me all about the underwear because some of the students had asked questions. She really believed it had special powers.

ME: Okay, but that’s not an unusual belief. Buddhists wear amulets that they believe radiate spiritual influence. Sikhs wear special loincloths that they believe offer certain protections.

MANHATTAN: Well, there are lots of other weird things about them. There’s a big Mormon church in my neighbourhood. I call it the ‘Mothership.’ They all flock there every Sunday.

ME: What's weird about that? Most Christians go to Church on Sunday. It happens all over the world.

MANHATTAN: They are not like normal Christians. They all look the same. They’re all blonde, and the men all wear white shirts and the women wear these flower-print dresses.

At this point it was very difficult not to burst out laughing. First, because Mormons DO all look the same. How many times have you been on vacation, seen a family and thought, “They have to be Mormon.” Pick up a copy of the May Ensign and look at the pictures of people who attended General Conference. Every one of them look like families that somehow time-warped out of a fifties television show.

But the most entertaining element was the hushed, conspiratorial tone Manhattan used to talk about Mormons. As though she was afraid that her son might accidentally bounce his ball into the church parking lot, wander over to retrieve it, and come home wearing a dark suit, carrying a copy of the Book of Mormon, and announce he was leaving on a mission to Bolivia

So I couldn’t resist any longer. I leaned over to her, and in a very quiet, serious, tone said:

ME: (looking carefully around the conference room) Do you think there are any Mormons here right now?

MANHATTAN: (shrugging) I don’t know. I suppose there could be.

ME: Well, they all look the same, right? We should be able to pick them out.

MANHATTAN: (annoyed now that she realizes I’m making fun of her) I said they all look the same where I live. The ones out here might look different, I don’t know.

At that point our table leader came by and we both felt like students who’d been caught talking when we were supposed to be reading about the New Deal. At lunch, I shared the conversation with an LDS friend. We tried to concoct several scenarios that would allow me to re-visit the topic and the most entertaining method for revealing to Manhattan that I was Mormon.

It would be a couple days before the subject came up again. When it did, it would go a direction I had not anticipated.