JAKE'S JOURNAL

Introduction: Every day I have a writing assignment where I have to write about something. For today, I had to write about something grouchy, something happy, and some laughs. Here you go.

The Process of Making Jake Laugh
by Jake Strate

It makes me grouchy when Meg complains. It's soooo annoying, but I don't stay grouchy long...because it makes me happy when I annoy Meg, and what I use to do to make me laugh was Meg would walk around a corner and I would jump out and say "Boo!" She would scream soooo loud. It would take me like tenminutes to stop laughing. Aaaaah...good times, good times, but that is not the point. The point is that....well....basically, that Meg makes me mad whatever she does.

P.S. Meg hates this story.

Charity Sometimes Faileth (Volume 2)

Continued from Thursday...

The door of the van swung open and I looked inside to see enough seating for fourteen Thai-sized passengers. There was a bench in front where the driver and two others sat and another four rows behind him. These vans wait at the pier until they are completely full before departing. I was the eleventh customer of the necessary fourteen and, of course, the only available seat was in the back row. I would have had an easier time climbing through the tunnels and up to the little helicopter seat in a McDonalds play-place than I did climbing over people to get to the back of that van. The temptation to make a break for a taxi was overwhelming, but I stuck it out and eventually arrived in my seat after stepping on several toes and even bumping a woman as I swung my freakishly-large posterior into position.

After alienating every other passenger in the van it was wonderful to sit together in complete silence for another ten-fifteen minutes as we waited to reach maximum capacity. After composing myself, I began looking around and noticing that there were ten very professional looking Thai women in this van - and me. I also began to realize that an enclosed space was probably not the best place for me to be at this point in the day. Unfortunately, the van's rather limited air-conditioning didn't want to travel the 3.5 kilometers necesary to cool down those of us in the back. Since I had taken a tuk-tuk to the pier and sat for forty minutes in an open boat, I had a pretty good sweat going by this point. I was hot and sticky. I felt awful and I probably smelled worse. It's amazing how dirty you can get in Bangkok from just walking down the street through a cloud of diesel exhaust, fish odors, fried peppers, and raw sewage.

Eventually, the door opened again and more Thai women prepared to get into the van. After looking inside and seeing the only available seats were in the same row as this sweat-soaked, red-faced, slightly odd-looking farang, I'm sure these women must have considered taking a taxi themselves. But, they entered anyway and we were on our way. I remembered that I hadn't paid for this voyage of despair. When does that happen, and how much it was it again and who am I supposed to pay? So many questions...

It was an uncomfortable ride for so many reasons. The seats are so close together that there's absolutely no place to put my legs (I keep meaning to get those detachable limbs, so I can just fold my legs up and put them in on a roof rack) and so the poor woman in front of me is practically sitting in my lap (not as awkward as having a Ecuadoran woman massage your butt, but awkward nonetheless). Meanwhile, it appears that the ladies next to me have picked up my scent. On my right one womans is clawing at the window latch trying to let some fresh air in, on my left another woman is frantically searching through her purse for a surgical mask or Glade-fresh plug-in, anything that will help purify the air I am currently polluting. These Thai woman are a mystery to me. It's ninety degrees outside with 100% humidity, they are wearing these heavy polyester suit jackets, and they all look like they could be on the front of the J. Crew fall collection catalogue. I, on the other hand, look (and smell) like I fell into a nearby canal.

To make matters worse, the longer I sat there the more my inate sense of claustrophobia starts to intensify. I start to realize that, seated four rows back from the nearest exit, I'm a virtual prisoner. I don't really know where I'm going, I'm certainly not going to ask anyone, and I can barely move with both my backpack and a person in my lap. Plus, I sit up so high in this passenger van, and the view angle out the window is so steep, that when I try to look outside to see where we're going, all I can see is the sidewalk and cars parked along the street. This van could be headed to BURMA, and I wouldn't know it until we were there. When we arrived the border guards would ask me the purpose of my visit and I'd say "I'm just trying to get to Nichada!" They'd arrest me on opium smuggling charges, for sure.

After what seemed to like an eternity (in actuality only twenty-five minutes) we stop and the door opens again to freedom, sweet freedom! Since everyone else files out in front out me I managed to exit the van without injuring anyone but myself, hitting my head on some sort of attachment near the door. After snapping my spinal cord back into place, I look around and notice some passengers are filing back into the van while others are paying a lady for their trip. I pay my ten baht, the van rumbles off down the road, and I remember that not only am I still NOT home, I really don't know where I am. As Ton had predicted, there was a nearby queue of motorcycle drivers waiting for potential passengers. One approached me again with the customary "Hey you! Where you go!" and started to grab my arm and drag me toward his motorcycle. "Twenty baht! Twenty baht!" Yeah, that's exactly what I wanted at this point - to spend the next half hour weaving through traffic with my arms wrapped around some greasy Thai version of 'Snake' (from the Simpsons.) Unfortunately for him, I had already been considerate of one persons feelings today - and that was my limit.

After throwing Mr. 'Twenty-Baht' into oncoming traffic, I did what I should have done from the very beginning. I hailed down a taxi and told him to take me to Nichada. It turns out I was only about ten minutes away from home, but since any taxi fare starts at 35 baht and goes up from there, it still cost me fifty to get to Danicha Gardens.

So, if you happen to be scoring at home, the 20 mile journey from the archives to home involved a tuk-tuk, a riverboat, a commuter van, and now a regular taxi.

Net savings: twenty baht (sixty cents)

Time saved: negative twenty minutes

The next day when I arrived at the microfilm room in the library, I was greeted by a smiling Ton who asked me how the trip had gone.

"Fine," I said, "You were right. It was cheaper."

"Oh, good." said Ton, "I was afraid that the van might be a little uncomfortable for someone your size."

*sigh*

"I can't pitch - the sun's in my eyes!"

Today Jake began a new phase in his sports career by playing his first game for Team Unilever in the North Bangkok Soccer League. How did the Green-and-White fare in their season opener? I'll let the photos tell the story.


Just before gametime the team met with their coach to talk strategy and make some adjustments. No. 9 was wishing he had worn some looser-fitting underwear.











Depite being a on a new team in a new league in a new country, Jake had no trouble asserting himself and taking control of the game. He attacked the ball with a ferocity that at times intimidated even his team-mates.










Even the best-conditioned athletes need to take time out to properly hydrate. Our hero enjoys a lovely beverage at half-time.

















Always willing to place team objectives over individual accomplishments, the fact that he was held scoreless was of no concern to Number 9. Here he enthusiastically rushes off the field to join in wild celebration with his teamates after Team Unilevers 3-1 victory over Team Tesco-Lotus.

40th Anniversary of Thailand's Dedication for Missionary Work

Last Saturday I participated in the festivities celebrating the 40th anniversary of the dedication of the Kingdom of Thailand for the spreading of the gospel. It was not exactly the missionary reunion I was hoping for. Many missionaries and their wives did come, but they were all from the 1960-70s era. There was not one missionary who served here in the nineties other than myself. My mission president, Larry White, who was also one of the original six missionaries transfered from Hong Kong to Bangkok in 1968, was also present. The weekend was really an opportunity for the Thai members to thank those missionaries who were pioneers here and also the display the growth of the church here in Thailand. Here's some of the spectacular photo highlights:

This is Bishop Khabuan. When I was a greenie he was President of the Asoke branch in Bangkok where I attended church. Since 1992 that branch has split into three wards: Asoke, Din Daeng, and Sri Nakharin. He is now Bishop of the Sri Nakharin ward.

The nearly operational Sri Nakharin building in the Southeast area of Bangkok.

Saturday night each of the wards in the Bangkok stake (which didn't exist when I was here) performed a cultural activity in the grand celebration.

The man with the microphone is Wisit, the President of the Bangkok Stake. On his right is his counselor, Wisan; on his left is Alan Hess, one of the first six missionaries in Thailand.

The almost-complete Bang Kae building just west of Bangkok. This is by far the largest and most beautiful church building in Thailand. All of the missionaries from the 1970s were saying "Can you imagine being able to bring investigators to a building like this?" Even when I was here, most of the branches still met in rented houses.

The Chinese clock tower in Lumpini park where then Elder Gordon B Hinkley dedicated Thailand for missionary work in 1966. (Not pictured: President Hinkley)

This is an (extremely short) video of the Sithichons, a musical group of Elders that perform traditional Thai music in an effort to create goodwill and gain recognition for the church. The original Sithichons performed in the 1970s, and were so popular that the lead singer had trouble proselyting because he was recognized everywhere. One of the area authorities discontinued the program because he didn't think missionaries should be performing. Apparently, there's been a change of policy.

Charity Sometimes Faileth (Volume 1)

Like any great Mark Twain story this one starts on a river boat. I was journeying home after a long day at the archives, every muscle exhausted from sitting in a microfilm lab poring over Thai documents for a grueling three-and-a-half hours. (Hey, I'll be here for ten months, I have to ease my way into things.) On a long trip up the Chao Phrya river there's little for a man to do except think...and perspire.

As I prepared to get out at the Nonthaburi pier, I saw a face that I recognized - or rather one that recognized me. Ton, who works at the National Library and is responsible for helping me find and view micorfilm happened to be on the same boat and exiting at the same pier. So, he asked me where I live and how I was getting home. I replied that I would just grab a taxi that would take me to my apartment in Nichada. Thais always want to know details, and its a little embarassing to explain how one travels, lives, eats, etc. Even though a taxi ride is not a lot of money is US dollars, for a Thai it seems very extravagant to take one every day.

"No, no, no" he said, "You don't want to do that. It's much too expensive, you should save your money. Taxis are only for emergencies, like when it rains. I'll show you something much cheaper and just as good."

I was trying to think of a way to explain that I had a travel budget that would reimburse me, and that I'd rather be wasting money and home with my family than sitting in a van with strangers and saving it, but before I could think of the word in Thai for 'budget' he had grabbed me by the arm and was pulling me off the pier and into the cul-de-sac where buses, taxies, vans, and all manner of street vendors were waiting to sell their wares. For a people that don't like confrontation, Thais can be amazing direct and forceful when they think they're helping you, or when they want your money. I once had a driver grab me and try to pull me into his tuk-tuk. Even though the guy was half my size I had a hard time getting free.

"You need to start taking commuter vans," Ton said as he pulled me from one passenger van to another, looking for one that went up to Pak Kret. "It would probably be only 20 Baht to get to Pak Kret, instead of 80 that you would pay for a taxi."

"Would it take me all the way to my apartment?" I asked, looking for any excuse to escape my Good Samaritan and be on my way. I was tired, I was hot, and I'd had enough experiences with Thai 'travel solutions' to know that they rarely solved anything.

"No," he replied, "But it will drop you off close enough that you can just jump on a motorcycle for another ten baht and he'll get you home." Oh, what a relief. Motorcyles were always off-limits for missionaries because they're all driven by Red-Bull drinking guys with a death wish. Sometimes, when a city bus rolls by, if you look real close you can see the remains of a motorcycle taxi plastered all over grill. But, how to explain this to Ton? I started flipping through my dictionary for the translation of 'giant wuss'. My trip home was looking better and better all the time.

Within a few seconds, Ton had found the commuter van going to Pak Kret and was working out a price with the driver. "Okay, this guys going there and he'll take you for only ten baht - that's an incredible price! What do you say?" Both he and the driver stared at me with the anticipation of a child who shows you their drawing and is waiting for you to put it up on the fridge.

It was here that I made a critical tactical error. I factored in another person's feelings into my decision making process. Not having human emotions of my own, I rarely take into account other people's. And when I do it always ends in disaster, or at least some type of incovenience for me personally. But I knew Ton and I would be seeing a lot of each other in the future. I knew I would need his help. I wanted him to think that he had helped me. And so I did it. I got into the van. I knew it to be a mistake before they even opened the sliding door.

"Under the direction of Brother Jared Davis..."

While all of you back in Madison were enjoying Jakob Schaefer singing his heart out in the 2nd ward primary program, I was enjoying a children's program of my own.

These dancers were waiting to welcome the group of returned missionaries when we arrived at the new Sri Nakharin ward building in Bangkok. For me it was the highlight of the festivities. (Although I did have to smack a guy around after he stuck his fat head in front of the shot. It made that night's testimony meeting a little awkward.)






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The Tour de Nichada

When it comes to transportation, there's just SO MANY options. If we're in the mood for some grocery shopping, we like to ride in style - L.A. Bicycles, manufactured with pride (and some metal) here in Thailand.

My favorite part is heading out into the parking lot with the guy carrying our groceries. He inevitably heads for the rows of luxury vehicles, and I have to stop him and say "Go ahead and throw those into the basket on the front of that children's bike right there - that's how I roll!"

Then I usually explain that we could afford a large SUV if we wanted one, but our commitment to the environment dictates otherwise. And as we pedal back towards Danicha, sweating profusely and trying not to hit a pothole or get rundown by a tuk-tuk, we all feel so good inside knowing we're helping to preserve this world for future generations.

HELP! I need somebody...

The stress of not having a dishwasher, cooking in a Thai kitchen, and sweeping the floor seventeen times a day to prevent ant infestation have really take their toll on Kaddi. So, we decided to hire on some help. Our foremost concerns were someone to help with cleaning and food preparation and also someone to help with pest control. We interviewed with several candidates and eventually decided to hire these two individuals.




OUR NEW LIZARD WRANGLER

Jake will be responsible for keeping the apartment free of ants, cockroaches, lizards, snakes, or whatever else crawls in. He impressed us during the interview by managing to hog-tie this gecko in under eight seconds.


















OUR NEW MAID

Meg was hired primarily because she the only one short enough to do the dishes without throwing her back out. (Also, she's just so darn cute.)










In Other News...

WHERE WILL SHANE HIT HIS HEAD NEXT?? I hit my head for the third time last week while on the river taxi. Like the buses, the boats have long silver rails mounted to the ceiling that run the length of the boat. If there's no seat available you can stand up and hold on to the rails. As I was moving forward to sit down I crashed my head into the end of the pole and just about fell into my seat. 

CONFRONTING AGENT ORANGE: A conversation with the competition

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The other day I was running late and just managed to get to the pier as one of the boats was leaving. I jumped aboard as it pulled away and noticed there were no available seats. Since the ceiling on the boat is only about six feet tall, it's very difficult for me to stand up in passenger seating, so I usually hang out in the back on the boat. This is technically a breach of social protocol, since the area at the rear of the boat has a sign posted that says "This area for monks only." When I was a missionary I wouldn't have dared stand there. But now that I'm an independent contractor it's not as big a deal. I can get away with a lot in Thailand: 1) Because I'm a 6'4 farang, and since most people assume I don't speak Thai they don't want to confront me....and 2) Thais are generally very patient people. They view us as guests and are very hospitable. Amazingly enough, as I stood next to the rails looking out at the Chao Phrya, a monk got up and offered me his seat!

Now, in order to appreciate the magnitude of this guesture, you really have to be a former missionary who served in Thailand. In many ways they are the Buddhist counterparts of the missionaries (the Bizarro Elders!) and like most Elders I always hated them. Monks are revered by all of Thai society for the supposed devotion to Theravada Buddhism. They inhabit a rung on the social ladder that is supposed to make them servants of all, but in reality serves to place them above everyone else. They are practitioners of priestcraft, living off the labor of the people without providing any real service. Every morning monks file out of their temple and collect food and other offerings from nearby devotees, then spend the rest of the day studying or meditating, or even just lounging about. Their status makes them aloof, and they often get into trouble because its difficult to hold them accountable. Thais believe that if your son becomes a monk it goes along way toward getting your soul into heaven (just like parents of LDS missionaries). And if you make sacrifices for a monk, that also creates merit that can be redeemed in a future life. Many times I watched with anger as an elderly lady would stand up on a bus so that a teenage monk could have her seat. So when a monk offered me his seat my initial reaction was to decline - but realizing there was no reason to be impolite I eventually accepted. I soon realized he had got up so that I would sit beside his friend, who wanted to speak with me in English. (Most Thais love to be seen talking with foreigners, especially if they know any English) Although we visited many temple during my mission, I don't remember talking with monks, who weren't favorably disposed towards us once they read our name tags and realized we were teachers of Christianity. So I was also a little curious to talk with him.

Of course, he wanted to know where I was from and what I was doing in Thailand. He explained that he and his crew had just finished their daily study of Buddhism at another temple and were now traveling back to their home temple. (technically monks are not supposed to use mechanized travel...and technically missionaries aren't supposed to go para-sailing either, but that didn't stop some Elders in our mission.) Anyway, I couldn't resist asking him the question of why he decided to become a monk. He replied in a very candid manner that there were spiritual reasons that would take too long to discuss, but there was also some personal interest involved. As it turns out, he was actually from a very poor area of Cambodia. His parents were subsistence rice farmers for education. The only possible path towards education and out of poverty was the monastery. If he became a monk he would not have to worry about providing for himself. His travel, books, study, were provided for him for as long as he choose to remain a monk. He remarked to me that in a few years his knowledge of English would be good enough that he could leave the priesthood and get a white collar job that would allow him to support his family. I couldn't help but be impressed by his determination to overcome the poverty into which he had been born.

As we arrived at the pier and parted ways, I promised him: "You may have won this round, Agent Orange...but we shall meet again."

In Other News:

We continue our efforts to get the appliances in our apartment to work properly. We've got the washing machine fixed. We got the a/c in the kids room fixed. Our biggest problem is now the water heater for the shower. In Thailand (like most countries) you don't have a large hot water heater that sits in your basement our garage, which heats up large amounts of water and waits for you to use it up so that it can begin heating more. We have a small heating appliance under our sink in the bathroom that heats up water continuously as you use it. It's really not a bad system, if it works. Unfortunately, ours seems to have developed a case of schizophrenia. We have to be especially careful while bathing Meg. No matter where we set the temperature, her teeth will be chattereing one minute, and we'll be treating her for third degree burns the next. I've talked with our resident handyman three times, but let's face it - when it comes to appliances I'm useless even when speaking in English. Who knows if we'll ever get it to work properly.

Finally, there have been recent false reports that Kaddi was hospitalized after being attacked and beaten while out walking two days ago. We can assure you that this story is untrue and that Kaddi is safe. 301nib would like to take this opportunity to dispel a number of other rumors before they can get started:

1) Kaddi has not starved to death.

2) Kaddi does not have Avian Bird Flu.

3) Kaddi does not have SARS.

4) Kaddi was not arrested for smuggling opium and sentenced to three consecutive life sentences in a Thai prison.

5) Kaddi was not shot by the Thai military while participating in a political protest.

6) Kaddi was not kidnapped by Muslim extremists and forced to convert and become the seventh wife of Muktada Al-Wahiri.*

7) Kaddi did not suffer a sever case of Kablaamo! while at the National Library.

For all your future Kaddi updates, please check 301nib.com

(*We did see a Muslim woman once on the Skytrain. She was truly terrifying, but through quick thinking and the latest in communications technology, our family managed to escape the confrontation relatively unscathed.)

BANGKOK IS SINKIN' MAN...(and I don't wanna swim).

Thailand has experienced all sorts of flooding this month due to heavier than normal rains. The Chao Phrya river, which runs down from Chiang Mai in the north and through the center of Bangkok is running much faster and higher than normal. In order to prevent complete diaster in the capital city, irrigation officials are diverting water into the floodplains before it gets to Bangkok. The papers here are full of pictures of people in Ayuthaya, Nakhorn Sawan, and other places where water is waist high. Because the drainage system here is so poor (partly because people throw their garbage in the sewers) even this drastic measures can't prevent those parts nearest the Chao Phrya from flooding.



These shanties along the river have no choice but to evacuate until the river levels go down.












These stores near the river are built on top of canals, and when the river crests, water comes up from underneath. There is no option except to bring pumps in and use sandbags to channel water back into the river.










This 7-11 opened again for business later in the day after pumping out most of the water. Notice they've taken everything off the shelves so they can be moved again quickly. If you want your slurpee you'd better stay on the sand bags.











This is a sight no one wants to see in Thailand right now. Rain means the sewers back up and the street fill with water, which will make your commute home two or three times as long.

RAW FOOTAGE: Victory Monument as seen from the Skytrain

FOOTNOTE:

Last Sunday at church the Sacrament meeting speakers were a family who had moved to Bangkok only two months ago. They had just come from Colombia, and apparently were relieved to be in Thailand and attending a regular ward. Anti-American sentiment is currently very strong in Colombia (Farq? - Steve you would know about this) which makes it very difficult and dangerous for los gringos to assmble in large groups. They could not attend regular church in Colombia because there were no translation available and so instead they met in small groups - six or seven families. For security purposes they also frequently changed the location of their meetings. As a result, they would hold church only for two hours every two weeks. At the mention of this exciting church schedule, Jakob awoke from his sacrament slumber, looked at me and said 'Dad - did you hear that? Two hours every other week? That sounds awesome!"

This is one of those rare teaching moments that come along, where you can pull your son close to you and say:

'Yes it does, son...yes it does."

Facing the Bal-rok

WARNING: THIS POST IS EVEN MORE GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING THAN USUAL. Please turn back now.


In the movie 'The Untouchables', Sean Connery teaches us that the only way to succeed against the mafia is to make yourself do what the other guy won't. "He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way." It's the same in Asia - except without the guns, mafia, violence, bootlegged liquor or award-winning dialogue. If you are to function out in the everyday world (ie. outside Nichada Thani) you have to occassionally force yourself to do things that you would like to think are beneath you. You must submit to things that, weeks earlier, would make you want to run, or wretch, or worse. You do it, and you go about your life and you think 'I guess that wasn't so bad, as long as I don't have to do it again anytime soon!'

And so it was that one afternoon I found myself in the National Library, completely unaware that I was about to undergo such an experience. While reading a dissertation on the meaning of public monuments in Thailand I felt a sort of rumbling within. This was not the happy, Winnie-the-Pooh, 'I'm so rumbly in my tumbly' sort of feeling, either. No, it was the sort of rumbling you dread when you're far away from home. It was fire down below. It was the sort of feeling that comes from eating a lot of spicy foods, and riding in Bangkok taxis, and constantly being in an unsanitary environment. For a moment, I felt the sort of insane fear that Dutch colonists must have felt when they realized Krakatoa was about to erupt. There was really no reason to panic. Every floor in the library has a men's room. But I knew what was waiting for me in that Men's room. I knew it as surely as Gandalf knew what awaited the Fellowship of the Ring in the Mines of Moria. And I knew I would have to face it.

Now I knew I couldn't head into battle with such a powerful adversary, one that had bested me on so many previous occassions, without a suitable weapon. I headed out of the library looking for a store that would sell me some kleenex, tissue...hell, I would have even settled for a newspaper. I finally found an open restaurant that had a case of toilet paper stacked up on top of its small Coca-Cola refridgerator. I'm pretty sure they didn't intend to sell it, because the owner seemed unsure what to charge me. Fortunately, in Thailand everything is for sale once you find the right price, and this was no different. I was grateful that this cottage capitalist did not realize the urgency of my demand. If she had demanded I purchase the entire case for twice what is was worth I would gladly have complied rather than walk away empty-handed. As I hurried back through the gate into the library complex, with my roll in hand, I could feel smoke beginning to billow out of the volcano. I knew an eruption was imminent. I raced up the stairs to the second floor men's room, opened the stall door and sure enough - there it was. My arch-nemesis: the bedae.

Many of you have never used a bedae. Imagine if you will a small white porcelain basin only slightly elevated off the floor with built-in foot pads on either side. To the right you have a large plastic tub of water with a dish inside. There is also a small hose extending out of a faucet on the wall. And with these meager surgical tools they expect you to perform one of life's most discreet operations. I took a deep breath, shut the door behind me and prepared to compete in the 'squat and thrust' event.

Like everything else in the country, the bathroom stall and the bedee itself are Thai-sized. It's extremely important to stay properly balanced in order to avoid soiling one's clothing, and it doesn't help that my size thirteen shoes are hanging off the edge of this precarious perch. I had to slam both hands against the walls in order to steady myself. This made an inordinate amount of noise (if there were any people next to me they probably thought I was giving birth). Finally, with my seat upright and my traytable locked in position I was ready for take-off....

KABLAAMO!

Only after inspecting my clothing and finding it unsullied did I experience that wave of relief that normal accompanies such a procedure. But I knew that I was only half-done. Thai fixtures do not have super powerful flushing action, so it requires a certain amount of manual labor to force the - unpleasantness - down the pipes and into the waiting canals. I turned on the faucet and as the large plastic tub filled with water I tried to relax by pretending I was somewhere else.

No doubt the bedae realized I was getting the upperhand, because it took the fight to another level. As I pictured the beaches of Kra Bi, with the white sand and surf, I suddenly realized it was high tide there in the restroom. The tub had a large hole in the side and water was leaking out onto the floor as quickly as it came out of the faucet. Without thinking, I picked up the tub and attempted to empty it into the bedae. Now that I was holding the tub, water sprang out of the hole onto my shorts and t-shirt. Meanwhile, water was also still pouring out of the faucet onto the floor. It was complete chaos. Reflecting back on this incident, it's difficult to say for sure whether the waste was actually flushed down the pipes, or if the resulting flood simply washed it into another stall or perhaps towards a drain somewhere in the corner of the bathroom, but when I got the water completely turned off and gathered myself, it was gone. That was enough for me.

I emerged from the stall with water all over the front of my shorts and t-shirt - I can only imagine what the other people in there must have thought. But I was now ready to go back to my research, content that I would not be visiting these facilities again, at least until I was home. I had taken the bedae's best shot and was still standing. It pulled a knife, I pulled a gun. And that's how we do things here in Thailand.

(Well, not Kaddi or the kids...mostly just me.)

DANICHA GARDENS: If you lived here you'd be 10,000 miles away from everything else.

You asked for it, and 301nib has delivered. A photo essay of the new apartment:



The elegantly understated facade of Danicha Gardens condominiums featuring the finest in yellow stucco craftsmanship. In front you can see the security post that monitors traffic coming in and out of the complex.










Our kitchen, complete with Thai-sized armchairs. The chair in the corner is so narrow that only Meg and Jake can fit in it.













Our living room full of furnishings supplied by the apartment complex. Also pictured are our children hard at work on homeschool projects.














When she's not hard at work battling the ants, Kaddi occasionally finds time for a well-deserved snack. In the corner you can see our latest addition, the rice cooker. We use it to steam vegetables...and sometime cook rice.









The Kids room. We got their blankets at MBK and some friends dropped off the Barbie furniture for Meg.
















These are the stairs leading up to our apartment. I'm sitting on them because Kaddi has locked the apartment and gone swimming with the kids, without her phone. I've also decided to start combing my hair down in front so I can look like Troy from High School Musical. (He's such a dreamboat, why does society force him to play basketball when all he wants to do is sing? Why won't they just let the boy sing?!!)

Helping you renounce materialism one commercial transaction at a time...

DISCLAIMER: The following is a paid commercial announcement. The attitudes or opinions reflected in this advertisement do not necessary reflect the opinions of 301nib editorial staff.

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The Theravada Titan!

Don't be fooled! This 'small vehicle' packs enough punch to run you right off the eight-fold path!

(Updated figure includes special
GLOWER POWER!)










BE THE FIRST IN YOUR VILLAGE TO COLLECT THE WHOLE SET!

(Each figure available in both Cross-legged or Lotus-style seated positions.)








Copyright Mattel Toys 2006

(actual karma levels may vary)

 

ESCAPING THE CHAO PHRYA

301nightsinBangkok is proud to announce a new series of films we're calling:

'RAW FOOTAGE'

These are intended to be urban documentaries. Rather than weighing the video down without a lot of commentary or silly pratfalls (don't pretend you don't love those), the intent is to let the city speak for itself.

Today's adventure: getting off a river taxi at the Phibun 3 pier here in Nonthaburi.

ESCAPING THE CHAO PRAYA A Raw Footage Production

Written, Directed, and Produced by: M. Night Shyamalan

KADDI VS. ANTS: The war for our survival

We came home from a daily excursion to discover some new friends waiting for us in the kitchen. A line of ants streaming out of the wall, across the floor and up into the garbage can. We take the garbage out every day, but apparently that's not often enough. Anytime there is anything on the counter, floor, or in the garbage can (particularly anything with sugar) you can be sure the ants will find it. Fortunately we caught this trail of ants before it turned into a superhighway. They've been know to carry away entire boxes of food.


As you might imagine., Kaddi was quite distraught by this not-unexpected development. In an effort to comfort her I presented three options which I thought could solve our ant problem long term:

1) Negotiate a truce with their leader, turning a potential enemy into our subterranean ally.

2) Shrink one of the kids down to the size of an ant. They could then infiltrate the colony and take it down from the inside.

3) Keep all our garbage in the refrigerator.

Despite these very reasonable solutions, Kaddi chose to break off all talks and resort to thermo-nuclear warfare instead. (When will we as a society learn that war is not the answer?) Three minutes later each of these ants was swimming in a tiny pool windex, their bodies twitching and nervous systems short-circuiting. Poor fellows, they were just fulfilling the measure of their creation, and we killed them for it. Needless to say, this latest episode has not increased Kaddi's enjoyment of the Land of Smiles. Because we know one thing's for certain. The ants will be back...

...and we'll be ready for them.

AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH: Living in Pakkret, Shopping in Bangkok

It is perhaps, somewhat mundane to do another post about shopping - except that we really haven't do anything else since we've been here. Besides, I know most of you go through the day wondering 'What would an average trip to the mall be like for Kaddi and Shane. How do they do it?" Well, gather 'round l'il chit-rens and I shall tell you a tale of our recent trip to buy a ballet outfit for Meg and soccer shoes for Jake. A trip to one of the biggest malls in Southeast Asia - Mah Boong Krong...because a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Step #1: Getting a taxi

Since we live in a galaxy far, far, away from all public transportation and we do not have a car, getting around will be somewhat difficult. We are going to buy bicycles soon, which will at least allow Kaddi and the kids to get to their lessons or friend's houses. But for now we have to rely on the transit system within Nichada Thani.

Taxis are not allowed to drive within Nichada Thani unless they're bringing someone in or picking someone up. Whenever we want to go anywhere outside Nichada, I must first go down to the security guard booth at the entrance to our complex and notify the guard that I need a taxi. He then radios to another guard post at the entrance to the community, which happens to be nearby the queue of motorcycle taxis. A motorcycle taxi then rides out to find a taxi and leads him to our apartment complex where I am waiting.

Motorcyle Taxi fee: 20 Baht (sixty cents)

Step #2 Explaining the destination

This can be more complicated than it seems, especially if you're going somewhere that no one has heard of before - like the Asia Airport hotel where we stayed for four days. Sometimes the driver has no idea where it is. Sometimes he knows exactly where it is and refuses to go there and drives off leaving you with nothing to do but flag down another taxi. This morning we were on our way to the nearest skytrain station called Maw Chit. What could be simpler than that, everyone knows where that station is located. So, when we got in the taxi I just told him 'We need to go to Maw Chit.'

As we driver down towards the city I had a sinking feeling, and it wasn't just because we had Puke Skywalker in the backseat turning a little blue (and no empty plastic bags). The route we were taking just didn't feel right. But I didn't bring it up with the driver because I didn't want to look like an idiot checking the destination over and over again. Instead I looked like an even bigger idiot when we end up at a busstation instead of at the skytrain platform. As luck would have it, 'Maw Chit' is also the name of the Northeastern Bangkok bus terminal that services people traveling all around the country. This is also something I should have remembered from my days as a missionary, but of course I didn't. With my stupidity out in the open, the taxi driver remarked 'I was wondering why you guys were headed upcountry with no luggage!"

Taxi Fee: 120 baht ($3.75)

(Real men wear pink shirts? No, real men ride in pink taxis. Next time I'll wear my pink polo shirt in the pink taxi. It'll be like camouflage. And maybe...the driver will forget I'm there and I can ride for free.)










Step #3 Riding the Skytrain.

This is probably the fastest and easiest part of the journey. The skytrain has revolutionized travel in Bangkok, it's just a shame it doesn't branch off into more districts. After arriving at the station and paying the taxi (I didn't have right comibination of bills and had to ask another taxi outfit for change), we ascend to the skytrain platform. It is exactly like the BART system in the Bay area (or probably any L-train or subway in North America). You find your destination, pay the required fee, feed your ticket in and quickly make it through the turnstile. We've only had one incident, and that was when we were exiting. We fed Meg's ticket in and she momentarily froze, missing the moment when the turnstile was open. So, we used Kaddi's ticket to get Meg out and then Kaddi was stuck inside without a ticket. I tried to convince her to just jump over the turnstile since I could easily take down any security guard who might try to intervene, but she insisted on maintaining her dignity. So, we left her there alone with her 'principles' and went to lunch.

(The Skytrain speed into a relatively empty Maw Chit Station. You can see Jakob is dangerously close to the rails. That yellow line is all the separates him from certain doom. I suppose a concerned parent would be ensuring his safety instead of taking a photo, but...)








Of course, I jest. I notified a security guard about what had happened and he let her out a special exit door. Since then I've tried to get her to use that story several times, but she insists on paying. Anyway, we were fortunate that the MBK mall has a skywalk way directly from the 'National Stadium' station into the mall. Otherwise, it would mean flagging down another taxi or even worse - a bus ride. I'm still debating whether I could even get Kaddi on a bus in Bangkok. It took her two years to get on a bus in Madison.

Skytrain fee: 135 baht ($4)

Step 4: Finding Yourself in MBK

It's hard to explain what the MBK mall is like to people who haven't been to Asia before. It's sort of like being at the state fair on a Saturday night, if the state fair were indoors and had eight floors. It is a labyrinth of kiosks, department stores, and counterfeit merchandise. Kaddi found a 'Coach' handbag for less than thirty dollars. It was our first time in the mall, and we weren't sure if we would ever find the store we were searching for. I stopped to ask two mall workers for directions and both told me that this store wasn't in the mall and I should go out down the street looking for it (just like looking up a referral as a missionary) despite the fact that I had just handed them a the store's business card with a big 'MBK' printed on it. Fearlessly, we pressed on and somehow ran into the ballet store accidentally. In actuality, it wasn't so much a store as a street display.

(Bangkok's finest purveyor of ballet clothing and accessories. What started as a trip to purchases some ballet shoes turned into an orgy of consumerism - shoes,a skirt, a leotard and tights. By the time Kaddi was finished it took three paramedics to stop me hemorrhaging money.)

And Meg's ballet outfit was merely the first of several destinations. We had to find some bedding, soccers shoes and shin guards for Jake, and somehow locate a restaurant with a odor pleasant enough for Elk Grove's most discriminating diner. And, once we had managed to accomplish all this we had to repeat the above steps to travel back home.

Cost of a day at the mall: Indeterminate

Lots of Taxi drivers hang Buddhist medallions (called 'phra' from their rearview mirrors. They usually consist of engraved pictures of either the Buddha or a well-renowned Thai monk.

Getting through a day of shopping without Jakob puking in a taxi: Priceless.

Capitalism, Thy Name is Chatuchak!

I thought that finding an apartment would be like crossing the finishing line - the end of all our worries. Ah, the naivete! It was only the begining - because apartments need things beside just a security desposit. And so it was that on Day 9 of our arrival here in Thailand, we headed off to that great center of commerce, Chatuchak. Chatuchak market is a weekend market in Bangkok where all manner of wares are available. It turned out the only thing we couldn't purchase was a postive attitude for Jakob. (I, on the other hand, was a model of patience and submissiveness.)

The kids enjoy a momentary respite from the physical rigors of an outdoor market. The purveyor of these puppies thought he had us hooked - he kept pointing out the 'free' portion of the sign. Little did he know I sold security systems door-to-door. I know exactly how much 'free' will end up costing you.

Despite the recent acclaim of Kaddi's acting abilities, I can assure you the smile on her face is genuine. This market was like being at a Pier One outlet store - if the store were a hot, humid, crowded, noisy, open-air market full of animals and all sorts of unpleasant smells. But the glassware, furniture, decorations, silks, cutlery, etc. was the same! We bought our glasses here and I even convinced the lady to give us a substantial discount on the matching pitcher.

Kaddi seemed absolutely resolute that we could not go ten months without dishes (Women and their frivolities!) so we purchased a new set here at a very reasonable price. In the USA there is no place for me on a shopping trip. But in Thailand, Kaddi and I form an indispensable dual threat. She scouts out the locations and selects the merchandise. The I move in to negotiate the price. Glassware and dishes proved much more difficult than leather or woven items, but I did have so success with my 'poor graduate student' story. The man on the left is wrapping up our purchase and if you look closely you can see Jakob pouting in the background.

We stopped briefly here at this silver store to admire some very beautiful handmade items produced all over Thailand. Also on display in this picture is Jakob's tenacious 'never say die!' attitude that has made him first in the hearts of his countrymen.

This is the outer ring of the Chatuchak market, where one can browse in relative comfort. If you pass through one of those stalls you enter an entirely different world - the inner ring. That is really where the best deals are to be had. But the passageways are dark and narrow. They are crowded and it is humid. Only the pure in heart can survive such a journey. (Kaddi went in by herself and the kids and I drank lemonade.)

FOOTNOTES:

1) After we had been at the market for about an hour and purchased several items, I met an old woman who offered me a rental cart to push around our wares and exhausted children. It seemed like a obvious decision, until I learned that the person who rents you the cart also ensures its return by pushing it around the market for you. Thus, I was faced with the prospect of walking around the market while a 60-year old Thai grandmother who was only about four feet tall and couldn't have weighed more than 75 lbs. pushed my belongings and children on a cart. Not wanting to become the protypical spectacle of the imperialist with my hired coolie (all I would have needed was a whip and a rubber plantation), and unable to take the cart from her and push it myself, I decline the offer out of a mixture of embarassment and intended kindness. Of course, my kindness was in fact cruelty. Had I allowed this women to become my porter she would have earned enough to feed herself and whatever family she had for 2-3 days.

2) As you can tell from the pictures, Jakob was less than thrilled to spend the day at the market. He had a hard time keeping up with the rest of us and kept asking when we could back in an air-conditioned taxi. We had to scold him several times for fear that he would get separated from us and get lost, or worse. Finally, when we got back in the taxi he complained of not feeling well. Fortunately, we had a few extra plastic bags on hand, because it wasn't two minutes later that he was spewing forth...and not words of wisdom or comfort either. Poor boy, he spent the rest of the ride with his head down in a plastic bag full of intestinally processed chicken nuggets and lemonade. I almost felt bad that I had been so stern with him earlier, but then I remembered that I don't have a conscience or human emotions of any kind. It seems that Puke Skywalker has been prone to car sickness ever since we have been here, not surprising given that driving in Bangkok traffic is rather like a rollercoaster. Fortunately for him we are somewhat settled now, and so he shouldn't have to leave Nichada Thani very often in the future.

The 301n.i.b. Mailbag

Here at 301nightsinbangkok we love to get emails, letters, and comments from viewers - asking about updates on previous posts and requesting information on upcoming events. Unfortunately, we can only respond to a fraction of these letters. Here's a sample from the past week -

D. E. Fresh from Stockton, CA writes:

Dear 301n.i.b. -
My family and I were a bit shocked by your video. Kaddi's peformance was truly gripping. Are you sure she's really okay? Was that really 'acting'?

Dear Mr. Fresh -
Kaddi is in good health and being held at an undisclosed secure location. As for her convincing portrayal of a wife and mother who's been brought to Thailand against her will, can't eat the food, has trouble with the smell, and wants to go home as soon as possible....I'm really not sure what she used as her motivation. Some actors are just blessed with the gift of imagination.


Mona C. from Los Cruces, NM writes:

Dear 301nights -
You never mentioned what happened to the bag that the Strate's left in the Sacramento airport. Did they ever get it back? Is it lost forever? You can't just casually mention something like that without following up on it!

Dear Mona -
For a while we were uncertain as to the whereabouts of said bag. We have since learned that it ended up on a Greyhound bus headed for Seattle, where it hooked up with the Grateful Dead and toured for about a week. Three days ago we received a bill of damages (which we're not paying). for a hotel room it had trashed - allegedly - in Columbus, Ohio. Fortunately, the Pennsylvania state police managed to catch up with it in Scranton, PA. The bag was taken into custody and, after paying a large fine, was eventually returned to Kaddi's parents in Sacramento.

Jazzhands from Madison, WI writes:

301nights -
Are you able to communicate with everyone? How's your Thai progressing? Have you started to dream in Thai yet?

Dear Jazzhands,

The language is coming along, although the only people are talk to seem to be taxi drivers. As for dreams, the only one doing any dreaming is Kaddi. Last night she dreamt she was eating a big jelly donut.

Stephen Harper from Ottawa, ON writes:

Dear 301n.i.b. -
Love the blog! It sounds like you guys have a ton of downtime, though. Sitting in hotel rooms, sitting in taxis, waiting at the bank and rental offices. What do you do to keep the kids amused and pass the time?

Dear R. Hon. Harper -
The kids both have gameboys, and we bring books along. But we also play a lot of guessing games as a family. Right now 'I spy' and 'Guess that animal' are the kids favorites. Sometimes they don't go so well. Yesterday when we played 'Guess that animal' and Meg's three animals were: a Butterfly fish, typhoid, and the tooth fairy.

Rock Star from Guatemala City, Guatemala writes in:

Dude - The blog is hilarious! I'm sure the Thai people must love Meg and Jake. But don't you get a little nervous when people touch the kids or try to pick them up? That's more than just being friendly. Looking forward to the next week of posts. GOGOGOGOGOGO!

Dear Rock Star,

I admit I'm very protective of the children and Kaddi. Most Thais are about half my size, so I don't have any difficulty delivering a beatdown to anyone who breeches what I call the 'family security perimeter'. Some people might say that's going too far, that I should be acting like an ambassador to the Thai kingdom. But hey, I didn't come to Thailand to make friends. (And by the way - I haven't!)

Bossy from Winnipeg, MB writes:

The videos and funny stuff is fine - but we want to know if you've found a new apartment! Don't make me come over there!

Dear Bossy-
You'll be happy to learn that today we'll be moving into a 3 bedroom apartment in the very pristine Danicha Gardens complex, in Nonthaburi city. We had hoped to move in yesterday when we closed the deal, but the special generators and electrical wiring we requested had yet to be installed. It takes a lot of electricity to run a crystal meth lab.

PROOF OF LIFE

Dear Subscribers,

We understand many of your are concerned about Kaddi's safety and well-being since she has been in Thailand. You will be relieved to learn that this morning we received the following video in the mail. Its origins are unknown.

Sincerely,

301nightsinbangkok STAFF







PROOF OF LIFE / A Mack Strate joint

Written by: Kaddi Strate
Directed by: Shane Strate
Cameraman: Jake the Snake
Executive Producer: Meggie Scrumptious

301nightsinbangkok proudly presents: WHERE WILL SHANE HIT HIS HEAD NEXT?

Cranium Crash #1:

The very first night we were here I left the hotel about 2 AM to find a 7-11 (You really can't swing a dead cockroach here without hitting one) to find some bottled water and hopefully something familiar for Kaddi to eat - the winning item turned out to be a can of Pringles. Anyway, as I walked around the store looking down at the knee-high shelves of items, I slammed my head right into a low-hanging airduct. Since I had my head tilted downward the corner of the duct was able to dent the top of my head with maximum efficiency, causing maximum pain. Almost as if Thailand was saying to me "You're baaaaaaack!" It was several moments before I was able to get myself up off the floor.

Cranium Crash #2:

Today after checking in at the National Research Council of Thailand, I used an overpass to cross Phahon Yothin road so I could get a taxi going back north to our hotel in Rangsit. Again I was looking down so as not to trip over the nuclear dogs or other various debris that litters the streets of Bangkok. As I reached the top of the stairs I walked straight into a huge black electrical wire about 10 inches in diameter. This was certainly not as painful as the first encounter, and I felt lucky not to have electrocuted myself.

So....

Tune in each an every week to follow the life of a 6'5" man in Asia, as 301nightsinBangkok presents:

WHERE WILL SHANE HIT HIS HEAD NEXT?

OH APARTMENT, WHERE ART THOU?

After a long search for sustenance, Jakob and Meg offer up a prayer of gratitude alongside the farang god of foraging.

















The family waits on the platform for a sky-train that will take us to yet another disappointing apartment complex. On these journeys, Kaddi is reponsible for making sure that Meg doesn't get carried away by awe-struck admirers, and I am responsible for making sure Jakob ends up inside the train instead of laying face down across the tracks.









This was one of the first neighbourhoods we looked in for an apartment. The rents were very reasonable, and each unit came with a free malaria innoculation and we're allowed to catch and cook as many swamp rats as we can find. Despite the attractiveness of this Kaddi decided to pass...after she regained consciousness back at the hotel.









The 'tuk-tuk' was initially the kids favorite mode of transportation, until we got stuck in traffic behind a large diesel bus. Given the large quantities of lead now coursing through our bloodstreams, it will be at least ten months before we can once again pass through a metal detector.







Victory Monument celebrates the Thai 'victory' over French Indochina during the 1940-1 Franco-Thai conflict. It is now a major traffic thoroughfare and skytrain station where one can purchase all sorts up fake merchandise and cd's. On this particular day we on our way to check out an apartment near the river and close to the National Archives. It will the first and last visit Kaddi will ever make that area of Bangkok.