Meggerina Scrumptious

Here in Thailand we are all getting ready for the most heavily anticipated event in entertainment history. In three weeks Meg will perform with her ballet troupe at a dance recital.

She now has her costume, and each week at ballet class they practice their routine. Meg is a little concerned because she feels her classmates do not pay sufficient attention. She was telling Kaddi the other day "Some of the girls don't listen to the teacher. They just fool around."

It is quite difficult for her to perform with colleagues who don't respect the dance.

WHY MY BLOG IS BETTER THAN ANNE'S: and other timely observations

Almost everyone who mantains a blog also has links to other blogs of interest in a side-column. The list is a sort of ranking system, the most important blog is listed first, the next second, and so on down the column. People can rate these blogs according to family relations, blog-quality, overall popularity....whatever. It's like the Nielsen ratings system for blogs.

You can imagine my disbelief when I visited my sister Angela's blog and noticed that 301NIB was ranked second, behind the befuddled musings of her friend Anne. So, for the last few days I've been lobbying for the number one position, creating an airtight case based on five reasons why 301NIB is better than happily-whatever-after...

1) I don't see Anne's picture on a t-shirt.

2) Does Vancouver have elephant rides, counterfeit DVD's or an international airport sinking into a swamp? Ummmm....no.

3) Cutting-edge bathroom humour.

4) 1 out of every 15 mailbag letters is from a real person.

5) Each month I hit my head in an new exotic place for the entertainment of my viewers.

Today I'm happy to announce that justice has been done, I have been moved up to the top spot. Sorry, Anne. Maybe if you'd used a little foresight and had an 'accident' during math period in grad four, it could have been yours.

I need more power
Now that the monsoon season is approaching, the electricity goes out even more often. After Kaddi got caught in the shower during an outage, I went out and bought a plastic battery-powered lantern for just such emergencies. Of course, we didn't need to use it for several weeks. During that period the lantern functioned as the kids newest playtoy. Then, last night, the electricity went out. I grabbed the lantern only to find that the batteries were dead.

It's glandular...
I've gotten tired of riding the tuk-tuks from the river-pier to the archive, they always want to argue with me about the price. I decided instead to start taking the motorcycle taxis instead. This can be tricky since Thai motorcycles are really just mopeds, and many of them are not built to carry both a driver and my rather bulky frame. When I sit down on the back of a 120 cc contraption the rear shocks completely depress, giving us both a bumpy ride.

The other day when I approached the queue of motorcycle taxis I overheard the following conversation among two drivers:

"Holy crap! That guy's huge...."

"I know. You should take him."

What do you mean I should take him? You're up - go!"

"Your bike is bigger than mine, I don't think mine will make it..."

"Great, thanks for the favor..."

I should have just knocked their two little heads together and drove there myself.

Bring some hangers, please
Right now we have about five loads of clean laundry on the couch that nobody wants to put away. Kaddi and I talked it over and we've come up with a solution. A down-home, good ol' fashioned folding-bee. We'll have a big gathering with friends and neighbors in a great big circle and fold like our pioneer ancestors. There'll be a roast pig and lots of apple pie, and maybe afterwards a square dance out back.

You're all invited.

Cultural Sensitivity: Justification for censorship

The above political cartoon represents current Thai political opinion concerning the Thai government's suppression of YouTube. The website has been blocked in Thailand for almost three weeks because it aired a slideshow featuring pictures that mocked the King. By depicting YouTube as an icyber-demon and YouTube management as European colonizers, the cartoonist has avoided tackling the REAL issue, which is the Thai government's penchant for banning or censoring any type of speech critical of the monarchy.


If you're interested in learning more about climate of censorship here in Thailand, you can click here to read my recent essay on the subject.

The dreamworld that you wish will come true

A couple weeks ago we got an invitation from our friends to celebrate their daughters birthday at a local amusement park north of Bangkok called 'Dreamworld.' It's a decent little park to spend a Saturday, especially if you can get the Thai price instead of the white-guy, sucker-price. One of its main attractions was a special climate-controlled room with a snow-making machine, where you can throw snowballs. We didn't make it to that one.

It also had many rides and attractions that seemed quite familiar. A Space Mountain ride, a Haunted Mansion, Snow White's house, Cinderella's house, a sword in the stone, a mountain that splashes you, campy over-priced merchandise. I felt like I'd seen it all before, in a kingdom full of magic...

Meg had a wonderful day (the world was made for her) running around the park with her little friend. She got to ride the crazy schoolbus, and the spider, and many other nauseating contraptions. She had lunch at one of her favorite places, a KFC right inside the park, And afterwards lemonade and ice cream. Why, oh why must the sun set on such a perfect day?



Thais love to get their pictures taken with Dreamworld's freakishly tall trio.















Jake's day was a little less rosy. He always gets the shaft because most of our friends have kids much younger than him. He barely made it through the hour taxi ride without hurling. He doesn't like ice cream except for peanut-butter chocolate, sold only at Swensen's. He was too tall to go into the massive playhouse-balloon room with Meg and the other kids; and too short to ride the go-karts with the adults. And we forced him through the Haunted Mansion even though he had a panic attack at a similar attraction in a similar theme park we went to once.

I think the highlight was when we decided to go on Space Mountain. We waited in a dark tunnel for about twenty minutes when outside it started to rain. Apparently, as soon as there's rainfall Space Mountain turns into the 'Electrocution Express' and so I wasn't too disappointed when they shut down the ride and we had to walk back through the entrance. When we got back outside the combination of rain and slight wind also knocked out the nearby power generators, and the entire park lost electricity for several minutes. That's when we decided to call it a day.

I wasn't all smiles und sunshine either. After Hua Hin I told Kaddi that was the end of entertainment expenses for a long time. We were buckling down, living frugally, unless someone came to visit. But, after a phone call from friends, I lost that argument in about ten seconds.

Fortunately, I was able to defray the day's expenses with the money I earned posing for pictures with Thai visitors.

Guess who's having the best month ever?

Due to my own lackluster performance in the 301NIB tourney challenge, I've tried to postpone publicizing the results as long as possible. But I can delay no longer. It's time to pay tribute to this year's champion. A project manager who needs no introduction...the man with the plan...women love him, men want to be him....the jock-from-Interlock(en)....

HillBillyGator

What can you say about a guy whose college has won back-to-back basketball titles with a football national championship in between? A guy who networks around the globe and back again? A guy who once rated a solid 6.5 on amihotornot.com? We'll leave it to our resident 301NIB sports expert -

"Hill Billy Gator? Let's just say I'm glad I only have to coach against Urban Meyer."







So savor a sweet moment of victory, Corduroy-Roy. And be thankful your wife didn't enter.

Songkran Nichada style

Welcome to Songkran: Where water, baby powder, moving vehicles, and a whole lotta alcohol leads to hours of wholesome fun.


Today the cultural maelstrom known as Songkran descended on our peaceful little kingdom of Nichada. The day started out slow as Meg and her little friend Caudia sat by the security guard box and threw water at passing cars for a an hour. They victimized golf carts, joggers, and motorcycles. Most people were good natured about it, but the occasional pretentious doo-fuss got uptight about having water and powder on his Mercedes. I don't know why, since he can just have his driver wash it when he gets home. Of course they also soaked me everytime I came by to check on them.

In the afternoon I decided to take Meg and her friend outside the walls of Nichada so they could see what Songkran was like in real Thailand. As we passed the 7-11 there was a little three year old girl with a bucket of water. We passed her several times so she could throw water on us and each time she squealed with delight.

Out on Samakee road it was crazy - Italian televion crazy. We puttered down the shoulder of the road on our little safety-cycle with a bucket of water lodged between the girls. Even with this ammunition they were completely outgunned. Once we drove past a water-gun nest we were completely swarmed by people. For some reason its always difficult to get beverage below room temperature in this country, but the water they throw on you during Songkran is ice-cold. They surrounded us so we couldn't move and poured buckets of water all over us, then others would run up and pat our cheeks with powder, perfume, and who knows what else. It was like going through a car wash. The girls were in the back screaming and laughing. The Thais loved getting them wet, and since many had been drinking since early that morning, they were having a great time. We were easy targets since I had to go slowly to prevent the girls from falling out of safetycycle. There were also pickup trucks cruising by dousing people as well. We cruised around for a few minutes until there was not a dry spot on us before retreating back inside the walls of colonial city.

Later in the evening Meg went back out with her friends and established an ambush site on Nichada's main road. It was deplorable scene of carnage and destruction. They were like a party of drunken Bedouins, preying on the weary traveler, leaving nothing but series of soaking west carcasses in their wake. The video below is not for the faint of heart.

Songkran

Songkran is a Sanskrit word that means 'a move or change'. Traditionally in Thailand it involved the zodiac change to Aries, the end of the dry season and beginning of the monsoon season, and the beginning of a new calendar year. In 1940 (the same year Thailand fought its border-war with French Indochina) the government designateed January 1st as the beginning of the new year like the rest of the world.

There are all sorts of traditions associated with Songkran. It is a time of change, improvement, and renewal. Many people clean their homes or make resolutions to improve their behavior. Thais visit wats to clean the Buddha statues, in some cities the Buddhas are paraded throught the streets so that they can be cleaned by passers-by throwing water. The festival also teaches the younger generation to pay respect to their elders. It is the time of year when most people return home to their parents home.

(Happy Songkran during 2550 - the year of the pig).

In the last two decades the deeper meaning of Songkran has been eclipsed by the more 'fun' aspect of just throwing water on everyone. (Some people also claim that it's become too commercial). In Bangkok people take to streets like Khao San Road with squirt guns and buckets to engage in massive water fights. Up in the provinces people will camp out by the side of the road to douse travelers, or drive around in pickup trucks with barrels of water in the back. I can remember going through Kalasin on a bus once (and I do mean ON TOP of the bus) and having people throw water at us. There are several traffic fatalities each year, but why let that get in the way of a good time?

Thankfully, we are safe from all those shenanigans and tomfoolery up here behind the walls of our colonial city. In here Songkran is a much more civilized affair. This morning I bicycled down to the school to play tennis when a cute little girl with a water cannon approached from the side of the road and politely asked "Can I get you wet?" Without replying, I reported her to a nearby security guard who smashed her gun under his boot.

She cried for a little while, but deep down I know she thought it was a pretty good joke.

All the failure that's fit to print

This week the archives, library, and universities are closed in celebration of Songkran: the traditional Thai new year. Most of the people from the provinces leave Bangkok to spend the week with their families upcountry (which is why its so difficult to get a taxi.) Because traditional avenues of research were closed I decided to visit the headquarters of the Bangkok Post to gain access to their back issues. Part of my project involves the 1959-1963 border dispute between Thailand and Cambodia over possession of an ancient Khmer temple called Preah Vihear. I can't find any newspapers from that era at either the archives or the library, so I decided to go straight to the source. But like many things in Thailand, this sounded easy and ended up being very difficult.

First, I looked up the Bangkok Post on the internet, which gave me the address. But addresses are funny things here - they tell you the road, but not much else. In Thailand, buildings are not numbered in an ascending or descending fashion, with the odd numbers on the right and the even on the left. Buildings can be numbered according to when they were built, or sometimes owners just choose addresses that have lucky numbers in them. So the address does not help search out a building, it only helps you recognize the place once you're right in front of it. I decided to call up a friend who had been there before and ask him to go with me. This probably saved me an good half hour of searching in a taxi.

Once we arrived at the Bangkok Post we had to get past the receptionist. Despite several attempts to explain ourselves, she couldn't seem to grasp who we were or what we wanted. When we finally communicated our purpose, she wouldn't grant us access because the 'public hours' for the newspaper archives didn't begin for another four hours. It was then that my friend executed a diplomatic coup d'etat by pulling out his 'official letter'. It was a made-up letter of introduction from his 'advisor' that featured a forged signature and very smart-looking emblem at the top of the page (that he had also designed himself). Once he produced this lettre de cachet, we were given visitors badges and whisked up to the second floor. In this country, no one cares who you are, they only care whose signature you have. Osama Bin Laden himself could get access to the Royal Palace if he had the right paperwork.

Now came the most difficult part of getting the actual newspapers. At the Bangkok Post normally people research by topics, such as 'health care', 'Thaksin', or 'sex industry'. But they didn't have a file on 'Preah Vihear' and I was more interested in searching chronlogically so that I didn't miss anything. I asked for a CD-Rom for those years. They didn't have one. Microfilm? They had microfilm, but not a machine to view it. Could I buy the rolls I needed to view on my own? I would have to order them from London. It would take two months and cost fifty-five pounds per roll. (I would probably need to order eight rolls to get all the months I was interested in.)

So I decided to just start looking through the hard copies, one issue at a time. I wrote down the months that most interested me. September 1959, June 1963, November 1963....and requested them from a very polite and helpful archivist. After about fifteen minutes she returned with her supervisor. This is never a good sign. The supervisor explained to me that they did not have any of the issues I needed. They had everything before and since then, but every single issue in the five year block (1958-1963) I needed had recently been sent to India as part of their digitization project. She added that those issues were scheduled to return sometime in July, and that I was welcome to come back.

Thailand 1. Shane 0.

The truly amusing part is that if I were back in Madison I could probably get the whole five years on microflim on interlibrary loan from Cornell. It would take me about ten minutes to order it all online.

A 301NIB Public Service Announcement

Now that Jake’s baseball season is over, he has taken to playing video games on Saturday mornings to help fill the void. The amount of time indoors has rapidly increased .Most of his games involve an adventure story that takes him through various levels until finally he confronts the protagonist’s main nemesis. Along the journey he can become quite engrossed in these games and borderline despondent when we ask him to turn it off for the day. Last week he was on the verge on winning Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when we announced his gaming time was up. As he put away the console and controllers he assumed his martyr-like pose and sighed,

“Well, I guess I won’t be playing that game for a while…”

As veteran parents, Kaddi and I instinctively knew that something was wrong. We kept a close watch on Jake for the next month and noticed some disturbing signs. He would often stare blankly into space for several minutes at a time. He experienced a prolonged, constant, twitching of his hands, particularly the thumbs. And he couldn’t fall asleep without snuggling up to his Star-Fox game manual.

Recognizing that my son was in need, I responded with my most trusted parenting method – a good spankin’. When that didn’t work I was all out of ideas, and Jake slowly worsened. He stayed in his room most of the time coming out only for meals. Taxi rides were filled with silence marred only by the occasional dry-heave. We organized weekly support group meeting where Jake could sit and discuss his problems with other kids whose parents stubbornly regulated their video-game sessions. Despite our best efforts, his symptoms gradually worsened and he became more and more isolated from the rest of the family.

As a last resort, we took Jake to video-game counseling so that he could get some professional help. Our doctor immediately diagnosed him with NSA – Nintendo Separation Anxiety. Boys aged 8-14 commonly experience withdrawal symptoms if they’re gaming time ever exceeds six hours per week. Fortunately, we caught it early and with proper treatment (and less Nintendo) Jake will make a full recovery. To facilitate the healing, each night we encourage Jake to share his feelings as we all listen to the musical stylings of Kenneth Cope. I think he’s going to be alright.

Parents: Please talk to your kids about NSA. It’s never too late.

Horton hears a Hua Hin

Southwest of Bangkok about 150 miles on the Gulf of Thailand is Hua Hin, the favorite vacation destination of the Thai elite since the nineteenth century. The current King still maintains a summer palace there, although you aren't allowed to visit it. It's not as clean or as beautiful as Phuket, but its perfect for a weekend getaway. We rented a van with a driver and headed down with two other families in our ward.

We spent the first day at the beach, downing fruit drinks, getting massages, flying kites, playing soccer, (Canada clipped Britain 5-4 on a beautiful takeaway)...the day was so full of activity we hardly had time to get in the water. I even posed for a few pictures with Thai families vacationing at the beach. After that we visited Ba-la-U waterfall about 60 km away from the town. After some friendly cajoling, the gatekeepers even allowed us to pay the Thai price (forty baht) instead of the farang price (four hundred baht). We had a great time hiking up the trail, climbing over the rocks, and trying to keep the kids from drowning. There's nothing quite as relaxing as keeping young children out of cool water on a hot day. It's like...instant calm. We also visited the summer palace built by RAMA VI, a beautiful teackwood structure with elevated walkways and a Taco-Bell colour-scheme. The cool breezes from the ocean, combined with the absense of open-sewers, made it an attractive location for escaping the pressures of the capital city.

But the trip was not without its misunderstandings. One night our driver dropped us all of at the night market to check out Huan Hin's finest wares, which incidentally are exactly like Bangkok's - only 30% more expensive. After spending an hour or so walking around we decided to just walk back to the hotel. Someone (I'd rather not say who) forgot to call our driver and let him know he didn't need to wait around to transport us home. At 10:30 that night I was awakened by a phone call from him, wondering when we wanted to be picked up. I told him he must have the wrong number. Bad form on my part, but he was a good sport about it, as Thais often are in such circumstances. After a few days he even stopped trying to slam the van door on my fingers.

But the most disturbing event took place at the go-kart track. True to Thai form, Hua Hin has a very cool track with cars that will really move, even with a freakishly large white guy sitting on them. One of our party (an English gentleman) persisted throughout the trip in telling me how he was going to blaze past me like the roadrunner past the Coyote. His taunting had no effect on me however (I can't understand his accent anyway) and when it came down to racetime, I crossed the finish line with my British companion nowhere to be seen. Later, while he was driving with his three year old son, he tapped Kaddi and Meg's car from behind, spinning them into the guard rail so that he could pass them on the last lap. A truly shocking display.

Despite this unpleasantness, we managed to enjoy our time in Hua Hin and make it back safely. I just wish our driver would stop prank phone-calling me in the middle of the night.