Planes, Taxis, And The Airport That Wasn't

Sing in me, O muse...

Those of you who have been enrapt in our travel cliffhanger, unable to move from the screen and constantly hitting 'refresh' in the hopes of catching an update....you will indeed be glad to learn that we did get out of the Sacramento airport to San Francisco. Kaddi was off buying some lunch, I had the laptop out with the webcame set up, and I'm not sure we even knew where Jake was - when they announced the plane was leaving in about 5 minutes. In the ensuing panic, one of the bags was left behind. There are a number of theories about how this happened. Kaddi assures me it was my fault, but I can't be sure. Due to the 45 minute cavity search I endured as we were passing through security, I've blocked out most of what happened during that period. Fortunately, the bag contained items belonging to me - my church shoes and several books essential to my research here in Thailand - nothing we can't do without. Heaven forbid we should forget the carryon with Kaddi's special foam pillow in it.

After this rather inauspicious beginning, the entire trip became something of a blur. Because we were late getting out of Sacramento we had to literally sprint (with heavy backpacks on) through the entire San Francisco airport in order to make our connection to Tokyo. As we passed down the tunnel and onto the plane one of the stewards said 'Bow am I glad you guys arrived in time - we would have had to pay for a hotel and had you leave tomorrow.' It was a shame I had left my aluminum baseball bat in the carryon bag back in Saramento.

In return for our marathon running and sweating and threatening the children with Broke-Down Palace stories about Thai prisons, we were rewardedith a ten hour flight to Tokyo while seated in a four adjacent egg-carton-like seats. However, we caught a small break when the stewardess took pity on us, probably because of our children, and upgraded us to Economy-PLUS! Oh, the wonders that awaited us as we moved up several rows - an extra 16 inches of leg room. This flight had tv screens built into the back of the chair in front of you, and the kids wiled away the time watching movies, listening to music, playing their gameboys, or sleeping stretched out with their arms in one person's face and their feet in anothers. At one point Jake leaned over and said "Dad, this is the coolest plane I've ever been on." How does one so young become such a discriminating consumer?

My memory of the Tokyo airport is not the greatest. We had just enough time to walk to our connecting terminal, use the bathroom, and purchase a 1000 yen toothpaste-toothbrush set before our plane to Bangkok started boarding. By that time We were are exhausted and starting to crash. The ensuing six hour flight (where we did NOT get upgraded to economy plus and the seat did not have built in tv monitors) finished off the remaining vestiges of excitement we had about new places and experiences.

But the crowning moment of our Odyssey was the sudden surprise waiting for us once we reached Bangkok. As we are disembarking the plane, I hear the stewardess saying "Welcome to Suwannapot International airport in Bangkok." And I think "Hmmm...the airport was called Don Muang when I was a missionary here - they must have recently renamed it. Good for them." (Oh, travel Gods - why do you hate me so!!!) When struggled through the maelstrom of arriving in a new country. Getting through customs, finding you bags, looking for a cart and noticing that every other single person seems to have one - and yet there place of origin is a complete mystery - you have to be a member of the very exclusive cart club to get one. After getting our bags onto two carts and transporting them down to the level where public taxes congregate, we line up for our special privilege of hiring a taxi. At 1 AM there were four lanes of taxis jostling their way past the exit door. We attempted to hold out for a van big enough for us to take all of our luggage and us together, but soon realized it would be in vain. At last, we decided to take two separate vehicles, but because of the traffic congestion - neither of them could pull over to the curb, they just parked in the middle lanes while we ferried out our 37 pieces of luggage like contestants in some reality adaptation of 'Frogger'. After loading up everything and making sure KAddi knew where we were headed, we were off to our hotel. The worst it seemed, was over.

At his point my biggest concern was how long would be in the taxi, and envisioning the nightmare scenario that Meg and I would end up somewhere, and Kaddi and JAke (in the taxi behind us) would end up somewhere else. So, I decided to confer with my coachman about the exact route we would take to the hotel. When I asked him how long it would take to get from the airport to the Asia airport hotel, he replied " It will take at least an hour - we're about 60-70 kilometers away." At first I thought he must be trying to fleece us - taxi drivers are not renowned for their moral convictions. Besides, I had specifically selected the Asia airport hotel because the website said it was around the corner from the airport. Once again, my keen mind and superior grasp of the language had allowed me to triumph over mine enemies. I politely informed the man that I knew he was bluffing and that the Asia airport hotel was only 3 km away from Don Muang airport.

If I were to look back on my life, I could probably find many instances in which I felt and looked truly foolish in the eyes of others. But I can assure you that when I looked into the bewildered and truly amused face of my taxi driver, and heard his reply - that this wasn't Don Muang airport at all, that it hadn't been renamed, and that instead of being 20 kilometers north of the city we were in fact 30 km EAST of the city, and that if I wanted to drive up to the Don Muang area it was going to be 70-80 km drive - it was then that I realized I had set forth an new standard in the history of ineptitude.

For the past several years, unbeknownst to a certain graduate student who claims to be an expert on Thailand, Bangkok had been building a new international airport as part of the 60th anniversary celebration of the King's reign. Its inaugural day was the very day we arrived in Thailand!!! How is it possible that someone could spend days, weeks, months, planning for this trip and be ignorant of this fact?!! Truly, this is a remarkable achievement that seems guaranteed to outlive any scholarship that might result from this adventure.

And so concludes my travelogue. If I can manage to avoid diaster for two days in a row, and if I can find a WIFI spot to connect with my laptop, I will attempt to upload the pictures taken during said trip. But for now, content yourselves with the opportunity to revel in the humiliation and debasement that is a day in the life...

BREAKING NEWS: Strate's Delayed at Sacramento Airport! Threat of cavity searches increase.

Our flight here in Sacramento was delayed due to maintenance problems with the plane. Apparently they tried to tow it in second gear for a few hundred feet and have the pilot pop the clutch, but even the reliable stand-by wasn't working. As of 12:30 PM we still have no idea when our flight will be leaving. If we wait much longer we will miss our connecting flight to Tokyo. "The suspense is terrible - I hope it will last."

JAKE STRATE: REFLECTIONS OF A GUZZLEGUT

In part two of our Strate family expose, we caught up with the firstborn - Jakob Strate. Fresh off his triumph at the 2006 Pinewood Derby rally (shown left holding his 'Coolest Car design' trophy) he now prepares for a journey to Asia's 'City of Angels'. Here is the Red Menace at his most introspective - musing about life, love, and the Bengals.


301: We interviewed your sister here last week. I wonder, what question would you most like to ask her?


JAKE: Oh great, we can't even get through one question without bringing up Meg. That kid couldn't be any more sickly sweet if she was dipped in chocolate, which - by the way - she's tried to pull off several times.

301: Well...she does have a music video that's quite popular...

JAKE: You call that a music video? I had a much better routine of an out-of-control firecracker that I used to do. Of course, once I added on the bit about the firecracker flying into my pants it got a tad racy and Nickelodeon refused to air it. I should be accepting the Kid's Choice award right now.

301: Many of our subscribers want to know how your preparing yourself for Thailand?

JAKE: I've stockpiled an assortment of videogames - both for gameboy and gamecube. My parents tell me soccer is quite popular over there, but when we get there I won't know a single kid other than Meg. I guess she could be a goalpost....

301: You're the product of a California mother and a Canadian father. What's it been like growing up as a Canadian-American minority in a society where immigration is suddenly such a hot-button topic?

JAKE: Gimme a break here. What...am I on Oprah now?

301: The tabloids have recently photographed you wearing a Bengals jersey. How long have you been a fan?

JAKE: Ever since I realized that a Bengal was actually a tiger. And that their colors were black and orange.

301: So what are your favorite moments in Bengals history?

JAKE: Well, my only real memory is Carson Palmer getting injured against the Steelers. I hate the Steelers.

301: What about music? Any favorite bands?

JAKE: All-American Rejects. Toby Keith. Oh, and anything by Jazzhands. He's going to revolutionize the way Americans think about showtunes.

301: Why don't you explain the origins of your nickname to us? What exactly is a 'guzzlegut'?

JAKE: It has to do with one's ability to finish someone else's beverage while they're not looking. My father was one - and this father before hime. I guess it's kind of a family legacy.

From the pages of Teenbeat magazine

Here's Jakob's school photo for Grade Four. It's difficult to believe how old he looks. I just have one question - where in the world does he get the smirk?!!!

MEGGIE : A life in pictures

THE DIVINE MISS M : An Interview with a Badger state Diva.

In anticipation of their upcoming trip to Thailand, the Strates have graciously agreed to a series of interviews with 301nightsinbangkok. Each interview will feature a different family member. We start with Meggie Scrumptious, Wisconsin's red-headed pixie. Here are some excerpts from that conversation...

301: First of all, let me say you look great. Do you spend a lot of time with hair and makeup?

Meg: I did wash my face since we need to be clean for pictures. But cameras can't smell so I didn't need to take a bath.

301: You're off-track right now, how have you been keeping busy since school let out?

Meg: Well, today was opposite day, so I've been going around saying the opposite of everything I really mean. Like telling Jakob he was the best baseball catcher ever!

301: In ten days you head to Bangkok. What are you looking forward to most about living in Thailand?

Meg: Did you know Thailand has a king? I'm sooo excited to see the castle he lives in.

301: Are you still a fan of the Disney princesses?

Meg: Of course. I've always had a certain connection with them. The first time I met Cinderella I told her I'd been waiting my whole life to meet her. She said she felt the same way.

301: If all the Disney princesses were in a cage match, who do you think would win?

Meg: Hmmm...I think Jasmine. In the movie she's all like (makes karate motion with her hands) "Hi-yah!...hi-yah!"

301: What about Mulan? Wasn't she a soldier?

Meg: But she's not a real princess. I'm a traditionalist that way.

301: I see. Were you surprised at all that your "Lemonade, crunchy ice" music video was such a hit on the internet?

Meg: A little bit, yeah. But I think it's resonated with young people - particularly women. The lyrics are very empowering for women. What girl hasn't wanted to kick her boyfriend out of town?

301: What's the best thing about living in California?

Meg: I can pretty much manipulate people into doing whatever I want.

301: Of course. What's the worst thing?

Meg: I miss my Grandma.

301: I see. Well, 2006 has been a tumultuous year for you. Is it true you settled out of court with the photographer you assaulted coming out of a movie premiere back in May?

Meg: I thought we agreed we weren't going talk about that! If this is the type of interview you're going to do then forget you guys...(walks out of studio)....

POLICE SEIZE COUNTERFEIT MACK STRATE GEAR IN EARLY MORNING RAID

AP - MADISON, WI In an early morning raid on a local area home, Madison police uncovered a counterfeit clothing racket responsible for illegally distributing fake "Mack Strate" merchandise throughout South Central Wisconsin. Several suspects have been detained for questioning, including a possible ringleader. The main suspect, known to the public only as 'Jazzhands', is believed to be the leader of Northside gang. The Northsiders control most of Madison's tapdancing and showtune industry, but have recently made efforts to break into the city's most lucrative undeground operation - the rap t-shirt business. Since the East Side posse have long monopolized this sector of the undeground world, authorities fear such operations could mean the escalation of gang conflict in Madison. Police estimate the value of the counterfeit t-shirts to be as high as $145. Mack Strate is currently in London working on an album with Beyonce Knowles and could not be reached for comment, but East Side leader Steve 'Rock Star' Schaefer remarked "Hey, We're just keepin' it real."