"Willpower is a renewable resource"

Lately the political strife, religious fanaticism, and natural disasters I see featured on the nightly news bother me more than usual. In these troubled times, it becomes more and more difficult to rely on the sunday-school cliches and family wisdom that provided so much comfort in my youth. I feel there must be more out there, some greater truth that would explain how to maintain our inner peace in the chaos that surrounds us. I feel in need of serious self-evaluation, like making real changes in my lifestyle. That's why Kaddi and I are considering a conversion to Environmenatlism.

As we've been learning over the past few weeks, Environmentalism involves devotion to Earth, the giver of life, the mother of us all. There was a time when man lived in communion with Earth, before the Industrial Revolution. Since then, mankind has fallen out of harmony with the earth, due to the fact that each of us has carbon out-put. Environmentalist spokesman (and Oscar-winner) Alberta A. Gore teaches us that we can find temporal happiness and re-establish harmony with Earth through a process of 'lowering our carbon-footprint.'

We've been studying Environmentalism for several weeks now and I feel we're almost ready to to get Bio-dieseled. There's only one thing holding me back - I'm not sure I have a testimony of Global Warming. I mean, no one can see it - how do we know that it actually exists? Other Environmentalists tell me that signs of Global Warming are everywhere, we just have to look. Its in the hurricane patterns, and the changing ocean currents, and African Savannah drought. But I'm not a climate scientist - I can't just pretend something's real because I want it to be. I won't just take this on faith...I need actual data, evidence, proof that something is real before I'll believe in it. If Global warming actually exists then why is Wisconsin still so damn cold?

So even though I'm not ready to become a member, there I still lots of things I do while preparing myself to be an environmentalist. Like installing solar panels on my roof to provide some of th electricity for my Olympic-sized swimming pool, hot tubs, and personal fitness center. Or ensuring that one of my 7 vehicles is a hybrid. Or flying around in a private jet to political rallies and major awards ceremonies where I criticize parents who drive their kids to soccer pratice in an SUV. And of course, every night we get together to study Earth in the Balance as a family. I can still help spread the gospel of environmental harmony with those lost souls who still celebrate the combustible engine as a triumph of human engineering.

Which reminds me, I've got a pamphlet that I think each of you would be interested in...