CONFRONTING AGENT ORANGE: A conversation with the competition

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The other day I was running late and just managed to get to the pier as one of the boats was leaving. I jumped aboard as it pulled away and noticed there were no available seats. Since the ceiling on the boat is only about six feet tall, it's very difficult for me to stand up in passenger seating, so I usually hang out in the back on the boat. This is technically a breach of social protocol, since the area at the rear of the boat has a sign posted that says "This area for monks only." When I was a missionary I wouldn't have dared stand there. But now that I'm an independent contractor it's not as big a deal. I can get away with a lot in Thailand: 1) Because I'm a 6'4 farang, and since most people assume I don't speak Thai they don't want to confront me....and 2) Thais are generally very patient people. They view us as guests and are very hospitable. Amazingly enough, as I stood next to the rails looking out at the Chao Phrya, a monk got up and offered me his seat!

Now, in order to appreciate the magnitude of this guesture, you really have to be a former missionary who served in Thailand. In many ways they are the Buddhist counterparts of the missionaries (the Bizarro Elders!) and like most Elders I always hated them. Monks are revered by all of Thai society for the supposed devotion to Theravada Buddhism. They inhabit a rung on the social ladder that is supposed to make them servants of all, but in reality serves to place them above everyone else. They are practitioners of priestcraft, living off the labor of the people without providing any real service. Every morning monks file out of their temple and collect food and other offerings from nearby devotees, then spend the rest of the day studying or meditating, or even just lounging about. Their status makes them aloof, and they often get into trouble because its difficult to hold them accountable. Thais believe that if your son becomes a monk it goes along way toward getting your soul into heaven (just like parents of LDS missionaries). And if you make sacrifices for a monk, that also creates merit that can be redeemed in a future life. Many times I watched with anger as an elderly lady would stand up on a bus so that a teenage monk could have her seat. So when a monk offered me his seat my initial reaction was to decline - but realizing there was no reason to be impolite I eventually accepted. I soon realized he had got up so that I would sit beside his friend, who wanted to speak with me in English. (Most Thais love to be seen talking with foreigners, especially if they know any English) Although we visited many temple during my mission, I don't remember talking with monks, who weren't favorably disposed towards us once they read our name tags and realized we were teachers of Christianity. So I was also a little curious to talk with him.

Of course, he wanted to know where I was from and what I was doing in Thailand. He explained that he and his crew had just finished their daily study of Buddhism at another temple and were now traveling back to their home temple. (technically monks are not supposed to use mechanized travel...and technically missionaries aren't supposed to go para-sailing either, but that didn't stop some Elders in our mission.) Anyway, I couldn't resist asking him the question of why he decided to become a monk. He replied in a very candid manner that there were spiritual reasons that would take too long to discuss, but there was also some personal interest involved. As it turns out, he was actually from a very poor area of Cambodia. His parents were subsistence rice farmers for education. The only possible path towards education and out of poverty was the monastery. If he became a monk he would not have to worry about providing for himself. His travel, books, study, were provided for him for as long as he choose to remain a monk. He remarked to me that in a few years his knowledge of English would be good enough that he could leave the priesthood and get a white collar job that would allow him to support his family. I couldn't help but be impressed by his determination to overcome the poverty into which he had been born.

As we arrived at the pier and parted ways, I promised him: "You may have won this round, Agent Orange...but we shall meet again."

In Other News:

We continue our efforts to get the appliances in our apartment to work properly. We've got the washing machine fixed. We got the a/c in the kids room fixed. Our biggest problem is now the water heater for the shower. In Thailand (like most countries) you don't have a large hot water heater that sits in your basement our garage, which heats up large amounts of water and waits for you to use it up so that it can begin heating more. We have a small heating appliance under our sink in the bathroom that heats up water continuously as you use it. It's really not a bad system, if it works. Unfortunately, ours seems to have developed a case of schizophrenia. We have to be especially careful while bathing Meg. No matter where we set the temperature, her teeth will be chattereing one minute, and we'll be treating her for third degree burns the next. I've talked with our resident handyman three times, but let's face it - when it comes to appliances I'm useless even when speaking in English. Who knows if we'll ever get it to work properly.

Finally, there have been recent false reports that Kaddi was hospitalized after being attacked and beaten while out walking two days ago. We can assure you that this story is untrue and that Kaddi is safe. 301nib would like to take this opportunity to dispel a number of other rumors before they can get started:

1) Kaddi has not starved to death.

2) Kaddi does not have Avian Bird Flu.

3) Kaddi does not have SARS.

4) Kaddi was not arrested for smuggling opium and sentenced to three consecutive life sentences in a Thai prison.

5) Kaddi was not shot by the Thai military while participating in a political protest.

6) Kaddi was not kidnapped by Muslim extremists and forced to convert and become the seventh wife of Muktada Al-Wahiri.*

7) Kaddi did not suffer a sever case of Kablaamo! while at the National Library.

For all your future Kaddi updates, please check 301nib.com

(*We did see a Muslim woman once on the Skytrain. She was truly terrifying, but through quick thinking and the latest in communications technology, our family managed to escape the confrontation relatively unscathed.)